"With a Conscience" - "Excuse me?"

 

        It's been a while, but I cannot remember the last time I had to say,  "Excuse me?" to anyone. Maybe it's because I am more aware of my surroundings and when I am out and about I notice the people who are near me.  I am of the mindset that the less excuses we have to make, the less accountability we have to make. Sounds reasonable, yes?  

        But here's the thing...We do not always have to make excuses for what we do.  We do NOT have to apologize for looking out for our own well-being or interests.  We do not have to make any excuse for looking out for ourselves.  When we put ourselves first, the excuses diminish because people develop a respect for that ideal.  We make excuses when we need to be polite.  We make them when we know we have done something inappropriate or "clutzy." In these cases excuses are acceptable.  Accidents happen.  Sometimes the accidents bring us good luck! If we are in the right frame of mind, we can move forward and excuse the incident. We can learn from the incidents too.

        Making excuses does not mean we get to hide the truth.  Excuses should make us admit the truth so we can move beyond the mistake.  Making excuses does not mean we are free from the mistakes we make.  They simply mean, we need to acknowledge them and let them go. There are plenty of "wounded warriors" who can not forgive themselves for their past indiscretions.  This becomes the dangerous part making excuses because we end up waiting for forgiveness when there may not be any.  BUT...Maybe...Maybe we say "excuse me" because we have to say it.  It's a matter of being polite and considerate.  We need to be conscious of our behavior and how our behavior effects those we love and those we meet without warning.

        For myself, those who speak from the heart and ask for forgiveness earn kudos in my book. It's never easy to manuver in this life.  We are faced with so many conflicted situations and forgiveness becomes our way of moving forward.  Excuses matter when they are joined with apologies and the desire to correct the past mistakes.

    Human nature shows us that mistakes and excuses are inevitable.  We are human after all. The concept we must remember is that we are far from perfect as much as we would like to be and that means that the effort has to be made accept the truth and live with it.

        

        

        

"With a Conscience" - "What is the meaning of life?"

 

    At the risk of sounding repetitive, I was born two weeks early than the due date.  That very fact shows how anxious I was to start my life outside of the womb.  I still to this day, hate feeling as though I am hibernating without choice.  I have always wanted to choose my direction. I was born that anxious and stubborn.  As we become more aware of our surroundings, our presence on Earth, the meaning of life becomes the journey.  Like it or not, the decision to develop a sense of security comes from knowing what is good for us and what is not.

  When we are confronted with loss or grief, we very often question the existence and meaning of our lives.  I know this to be true.  Loss makes us question the meaning of our own existence and we can't help but ponder about how much longer have to make a  difference or experience our purpose. Time becomes critical. It can't be wasted. The meaning of our life means that we must feel loved.  We must care about one another.  We must reach out and care about others. We must take a chance on love.  This is what gives our life meaning no matter what has transpired in the past.  Risks give our lives meaning along with building our courage to follow through on what matters to us.

  The meaning of life is personal. One size does not fit all.  We are individuals who have different perceptions of right and wrong.  We have opinions that may not be in sync with others but the fact is that this is what makes life interesting and allows us to appreciate our differences.  This can also become dangerous.  We may not grow to accept the differences and this can cause chaos, even violence.  Sadly, we often forget that these differences have to be respected.  History reminds us all too regularly. Compassion is the key to our "meaning" and our progress in life.  This does not mean we should not establish boundaries.  Knowing our boundaries and remembering them gives our lives meaning too. Boundaries also improve relationships.  The "meaning of life" means to live truthfully. Confidence grows when we do so. This all contributes to the meaning of our lives.  If we are lucky, others appreciate our efforts too but they don't have to necessarily.  We feel whole within ourselves.

    Our lives have meaning when we bring meaning to those things we love to do.  Our lives have meaning when we show our love to those we love.  The meaing is unconditional.  The meaning is a natural cause and effect.  The question is never fully answered but a process that continues throughout our lives.  

    

"With a Conscience" - "The aura of being whole"

 

        Did you ever wonder what makes you feel completely whole? Is it family? Is it love of our partners?  Is it our diets? Our health? Maybe even politics or our country?  How does that feeling of "wholeness" come to us?   Is it possible to reach the idea of feeling content, complete...Whole.

        There are people who cross our path and within five minutes of shaking their hand, we see confidence.  The inflection of their voices, their posture, their eye contact show us confidence and bring on a comfort level that often is unprecedented.  A person of "wholeness" will make their presence known without showing any insecurity.  They have a focus on the present tense.  

    Younger people have a sense of loneliness or a lack of "wholeness" when they see their friends getting married or in a significant relationship.  How I wish they knew that the "wholeness" comes from within ourselves.  We conduct our lives on our terms and work towards feeling a sense of wholeness by doing what we love to do and finding the courage in doing so. Getting married or finding a significant other does not guarantee a sense of "wholeness." We have to feel that complete, content feeling within ourselves first.  Then, only then, can we graduate to a relationship that has the potential to last.  We need to live our truth first before living anyone else's and believe me...We have to accept the "WHOLE" person.  If they want to change on our behalf, they will do it because they do not want to lose you.  

        Sometimes we are fooled by the aura of "wholeness."  Sometimes, it is the environment that perpetuates a false sense of security but we will not discover that until we witness or observe more truth.  Sometimes, the "act" is just an "act" to serve an individual's purpose.  The bubble bursts.  We get fooled.  But everyone gets fooled at some point particularly where love is concerned.  

    Age and experience makes us "whole" if we can put our ego aside and appreciate the lessons we learned. We all would like to believe that the best of intentions have been executed.  We embrace kindness, empathy, and that in itself helps us feel "whole."  For some it takes longer and that itself could result in a tragic circumstance. Confidence comes with experience too.  If we can survive disappointments, we gain confidence through those disappoints.  We become stronger and hopefully we become resilient.  We also grow in our ability to not only love others but ourselves.

"With a Conscience" - "What did you mean by that?"

 

       It's funny actually that in my younger years, I used to think I was a fabulous communicator.  Over time, I now understand that I was very, very wrong.  Why is it that when we try to commuicate appropriately, we are incorrectly understood?  We think we are being clear but the fact of the matter is, we weren't or the other party wasn't listening.  I have given this a great deal of thought and the problem exists on both sides of the fence.

    Issues with communication happen when we are at home, at work and even when we're having coffee with our friends.  We want to be understood when we are having a conversation with someone.  While we're discussing something across from the table that's our opportunity to be heard and to listen.  But sometimes, we leave the table wondering if we were heard at all.  I used to have this terrible habit of saying, "Ya know?" I would promptly be told, "No, I don't know.  Why don't you explain yourself please." This is where communication gets real.  We need to be able to understand ourselves first if we are able to communicate with anyone else effectively.  The heart of any conversation is that both parties or all parties want to be understood.  If we are misunderstood, we need to be told that and given the opportunity to explain ourselves further.  This is the complicated part.

    Relationships, any relationship, flourish when we are not afraid to speak out mind and try to be understood.  In marriages, or any relationship for that matter, we need to feel comfortable in speaking our mind and explaining when something is inherently wrong.  This is how relationships survive.  This is how they grow.  We need to be heard.  We may not always like what we hear, but when we listen and are heard, we can move forward.  If the comments or words need further explanation then we need to ask and yes sometimes say, "What did you mean by that?"

    For any relationship, we have to want to listen. This is what is known as "love."  We have to show empathy and be willing to see the other side without judgement.  This needs to happen even when we're angry or frustrated...and anger and frustrations happen.  We may not like that fact, but they do, even in the best of relationships.  Most relationships are built on how we mitigate the frustrations.  We can choose to claim space.  We can choose to have what was said repeated and clarified and of course listen until we understand.  We may never absorb what we have heard by the way.  Sometimes all that is needed is time...and patience.  Persistence helps too.  We should never give up on communicating particularly with those we love. 

    Lastly, there are situations where the communication dissipates and stops.  It just stops.  That means we have evolved or moved on from trying to be heard.  We can leave the door open of course.  That is our choice and the choice of those on the other side.  If the relationships grow and flourish, we have made the right choice.

        

"With a Conscience" - "Memories and the stages of over-thinking"

 

        When ever I look at my watch to check the time,  I can't help but become aware of how much time in my life I have spent over-thinking and feeling over-whelmed about situations that really have no bearing on my daily happiness. I cherish and hold on to so many memories and re-live them because, I never resolved what should have been resolved at the moment they happened.  How many of us have experienced that?  I can not believe that I am the only one who has experienced these episodes.  Over-thinking means we are living in the past, fearing the future and not living in the present tense.  The single most important question is, "How do we stop over-thinking and put an end to being over-sensitive to our environment?"

        Being an over-sensitive, over-thinking individual doesn't happen overnight.  It evolves through years and years of repressed fears and not being allowed to express what we need to express when we need to express it.  We learn to worry instead of self-advocate for what we need.  We do this because we do not believe anyone will listen.  Most times that is simply not true but it is what we are telling ourselves is true.  We become fixated on what other people think about us rather than focus on what is important to US.  US.  We need to know ourselves so well that we can spot what is not and never has worked for us personally.  Living in the present means we only need to do our best even under the most difficult of circumstances.  Self-advocacy.  Self-love.  Self-preservation. 

    There are no clear cut answers to finding "our peace" with over-thinking.  The solutions are individually wrapped.  There are no cookie cutter solutions but what has become very clear to me over that past couple of years, and in particular now, is that awareness is key.  Our bodies tell us we are in trouble.  Our emotions seize and we stop living the way we should be.  We close ourselves off.  Our communication with our loved ones lessens.  This was not in our plans but it happens.  

    The only way out that I can finally see is if we want happiness and joy, we stop the over-thinkng and we stop living in the past.  We don't poop on the present.  We speak the truth to those who need to hear it and express our love afterwards. We live in the present and keep our eye on what is necessary for our peace. It is not easy nor should it be because if it was easy, we would never appreciate where we are and what we have...even the pain and hurt that often comes with over-thinking.  We can be better than that

"With a Conscience" - "Tall enough?"

 

        From the day we're conceived we have no choice really as to how we will evolve physcially.  This is true.  This is fact.  When I was born, Mom couldn't believe I was five pounds and spent my first days in an incubator.  Little did I know or understand that your physical appearance would mean more than I anticipated.  My grandmother Maria, my Aunt Bea and Aunt Edie were all petite women.  They were indeed, a trifecta of bravery and spunk. I didn't realize it at the time but height is not a deficit.  It becomes a game changer when others tell you it's a deficit.  This brings a further discussion.  "Why?"

        It started out being fun to be singled out for my height.  It breeds a great deal of attention. That is until I headed to junior high.  Shorter women keep extra pounds on.  On the bus, "Meatball" became my nickname.  I fought that guy by yelling at him.  He ended up being one of my best buds on the bus and protected me because he felt like it.  I did a fairly good job of protecting myself in junior high. When you're different, people notice, good, bad or otherwise.

        Buying clothes for me was always a challenge for my mother.  Nothing ever fit because back in the 60's, petites were NOT readily available. Boys jeans were cool though. I didn't mind.  Plus Mom sewed many of my clothes and knitted my sweaters.  Despite the height issue, I knew I was loved.  

        As I grew up to a whooping 4'9" tall, I headed  into adulthood.  My first year of college, I gained a great deal of attention from the Lacrosse players in my dorm.  They enjoyed picking me up and swinging me around.  I got swung around a lot in college.  Not that I regret that one bit. I became an attention seeker and that suited me just fine at theater auditions and off course on the stage. 

     I have made me physical appearance work for me but has taken years.  When people ask how tall I am, I say, "Tall enough." We don't fit a mold.  We are different. No one is the same and we shouldn't want to be. I learned that the hard way over the years and fought some prejudicial experiences looking for a teaching job believe it or not.  But things come to you if you are persistent.  

        My Grandma Maria passed at the age of 98.  Up until that time, she was still chopping would outside with my dad. She loved homecooked food told me each day that she loved me. I learned a great deal about how to be a human being from her. I learned to be heard despite the height.  What makes us different, makes us human and teaches others that "the norm" is not necessarily what we expect.

"With a Conscience" - "The unbearable lightness of being..."

 

        You know, I just realized today that I love being funny.  I love looking at an audience and making them laugh and clap.  That is bravery folks.  We have to test the waters when we want to make people laugh.  Sometimes it doesn't work because what we show isn't "natural."  We have to see the humor before anyone else does particulary when you walk on a stage.

        How do we defne bravery?  I feel that bravery is defined as having to approach a situation that has an unpredictable outcome.  I can think of so many instances where bravery is required  Here's a few:

• Marriage - When the decision to marry happens, you must be brave.  Love is love.  This is true.  Looking into the eyes of your intended, you see a "soul mate."  Having said that, bravery is required regardless.  You want your marriage to be the right decision and that folks takes time.  There are so many challenges and bravery is required to weather the storms that pass through a couple. If the love is real, it lasts.  Communication helps too. You remember how you met.  You remember your first date.  You remember the first time you kissed. 
  
  
• Starting a new job - When you finally get employed for the postiion you wanted, that is only the beginning.  There is a "tenure" that is required before you finally feel secure that the paycheck will last and be forth-coming for a retirement .
   
• Your first year of public school - Kindergarten is scary.  You hope that your teacher is 'nice" and cares about you.  You are eager to learn and do not want to make mistakes.  You are learning to read, handle math problems and well you hope to eat lunch with friends.  You want to make friends in class and on the bus.  You want your teacher to like you.  Bravery.
  
  
• Your first apartment or your first mortgage-  You agreed to pay rent every month.  Your first obligation.  Along with that came your first credit card.  You bought your groceries and serviced your car.  Moving out on your own terms means your brave enough to live on your own and live a responsible life.      
  

    As time moves on and for most of us, we want to live a very, very long, worthwhile life, we have to brave.  We have to face our imperfections and everyone else's.  Yes, everyone else's. The blinders have to come off.  We have to accept that being courageous means accepting that we can not expect perfection. We are foolish if we do.  Either that or we will always be gravely disappointed.

    Courage means opening the doors that we are afraid to open.  When we do, this is how we learn.  Without courage, we learn absolutely nothing.  Courage is what is required when we fail and when we succeed and move further into the path in front of us.  It means we do the things we do not think are possible. From those instances, we grow.

"With a Conscience" - "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!"

 

            Growing up, probably the worst thing you could do is lie.  Seriously.  If I got caught in a lie, I heard about from everyone.  My mother, my sisters were never amused.  "No, I didn't wear your sweater sis, really!" Um...yes, yes I did.  I was never good at lying. No one ever believed me when I lied.  Maybe it was the look on my face that gave me up, I don't know and frankly, it didn't matter. I was taught not to lie but tell the truth of the matter. I learned to tell the truth because I did not want to  hurt or disappoint anyone and in particular, those I loved.  

        Now, this lends a discussion to the use of "white lies."  Do we lie to spare someone's feelings?  Do we lie so we don't have to explain ourselves further? Or do we make a choice to hide from the truth because the truth may be more painful?  I really have no idea but what I do know is that I would prefer that someone tell me the truth rather than let me believe an otherwise disappointing situation.  The truth hurts.  That's a fact.  We have to digest the honesty. We expect honesty from those we love.  We expect honesty from our friends.  Lately, as I listen to the news or read the news, honesty becomes the ultimate dilemma.   

        Are we hearing the truth?  Are we getting the truth or are we being blantantly lied to for the sake of those who have more political advantage and more money than any of us will?   Our ability to reason and our ability to remain educated separates us from making fools of ourselves.  The more educated we become, the more effective we can be when we vote, when we discuss senstive issues and when we approach those we love with an issue that needs to be solved.  

        None of us like a lie.  We don't expect lies to come our way.  For me, tell me if the outfit makes me look fat.  Tell me if you disagree with my politics.  We can argue.  Truth builds comfort with those we love regardless of politics.  We are allowed our opinions and our beliefs but if we can listen, we might just learn more than what was expected...or not.  But the point is we listened.  Our beliefs stem from the values we grew up with, nothing less.  There lies the real truth.

        In politics, in the media, don't lie to us.  Do not taint the truth but tell us the truth and let us discern our votes, our opinions from there.  We do not need lies.  We are more than capable of making intelligent decisions based on facts.  My parents always wanted have me tell the truth and there were consequences if I didn't.  There is a price to pay for not leading a life with honesty.  We know when the truth is not apparent.  We also know when it is and this is how we grow.  This is how we change.

    Here endeth the lesson...

"With a Conscience" - "Easy-peasy, Lemon-squeezy"

 

               When something or anything for that matter comes easy, we revel in the joy of avoiding the frustration when things are  difficult. This is a fact.  I can think of numerous instances where somethiing became hard, I learned more than I expected to learn but it frustrated me just the same.

        So here's some things that were developed to make our world "easier" but in fact have caused more frustration despite the advertisement:

• "Self-Check Out" at the grocery stores -  "Seriously?" It's hard enough to reach the biscotti on the very top shelve at Shop Rite but then after climbing up numerous shelves, I have to self-checkout?  When I buy 20 cans of "Fancy Feast" for our kitties, do I really have to scan each and everyone?  The cashiers are experts at this stuff and I would prefer they get paid to show their expertise.  And this, THIS, is why I avoid Walmart.  What are we really saving here?  We are doing away with employment opportunities but shopping for essentials is not easier.
  
  
• Medical patient portals -  I'm sorry but I feel as though having access to a patient portal for all of my medical results does NOT make me feel any better about what's on the screen in front of me.  By the way, they want you to pay on line too only to have the doctor cancel their appointment with you, even though you have paid ahead as instructed.  By the way,  I do not relish having my personal medical information on a database that can be accessed in a heart beat. (This includes bloodwork and any additional testing.)  This is  far from easy if not frustrating and it feels like a violation. Let the doctor explain the results because this is what health insurance pays him or her for for each visit.  And by the way, if I have to pee in a cup or have my blood drawn or any other procedure, I want the appropriate attention.  Enough on that...
  
  
• Ordering on-line - When I order something on-line, what is delivered very rarely meets my expectations.  When I buy something, I like to see it, feel it and test it out. Particularly, if it's a handbag or new shoes. This is why I love department stores. That is always been part of the fun.  If I do order on-line, I do not need Fedex tying my order to one of the pine trees in the driveay thinking they have done their job. (I did not make that up by the way.) That might have been easier for the driver, but certainly not for a little woman, 4'9" tall. 

        When we want to make our lives easier, it is because we do not need anyone or anything else telling us otherwise. When I am out and about or making phone calls, I want to touch base with the human race. Most reasonable people know what is best.  And by the way, if Shop Rite wants to put their guacamole and my husband's favorite biscotti on a lower shelf, I won't complain.

"With a Conscience" - "Phoenix Rising"

 

        The definition of a "Phoenix rising from the ashes" is quite simple really.  The academic defintion is the following:   rebirth, resilience, and transformation,stemming from the myth of a fire-bird that burns and is reborn from its own ashes."  I would bet my last dollar that the majority of human beings have witnessed or felt the "Phonenix rising."  

    The traumas of health issues are real.  We are, however, never prepared for those traumas because we think or believe that we are invincible.  In our youth, that may be accurate or part of our mindset.  As we age, that is perhaps not as accurate.  When we evolve from a health crisis or any crisis for that matter, particularly with those we love dearly, we become stronger, more confident.  Why? We evolve into strength because we have faced unimaginable fear.  Our fears evolve into grief and then into strength because that is the lesson.  Strength does not happen overnight. It happens because we have faced the inevitable.  

    The medical abyss has shown me that although we must respect the expertise, we must also listen to our bodies and make the adjustments necessary to survive whatever it is that the medical world wants us to experience.  It's painful and it's scary but we become better because of what we learn.  We must be our own advocates.  We must listen to our bodies and our common sense.

    We learn that when the bubble bursts,  we must take another look at ourselves.  We learn that better health is an investment and it takes time to change to a better way of living.  We learn that we have to embrace the attitude of gratitude each and every day that we get up and approach our lives with gusto.  Gratitude is the key.  Find something to be grateful for each and every day even when we feel nothing.  We are guaranteed nothing.  The only thing we can do is keep our heads down and face the circumstances, good, bad or otherwise.  These circumstances are always waiting for us, like it or not.  We are like a "Phoenix Rising."

    The "Phoenix Rising" in us leaves us to become different people.  We let go of grief and fear and we look at our world differently because...Well...We have to do so.  When you wake up each day and see the sun, we know we have another day to face joy, to face fate, to face the truth and keep going.  Peace out.  

    

"With a Conscience" - "If I knew then what I know now...Teaching...The abyss"

 

        So, when I retired eight months ago, set on my journey to pay attention to my health.  Not that I could ignore my past issues of course but I thought it was time to show my vigilance.  Catscans, MRIs, bloodwork and well other things that are just ugly.  Having said that, I can truthfully say that your hearing and your vision are also vitally important to your health and if you are aging, double, triple, quadruple that necessity.  

        So after a pretty severe illness, I decided it was time for an eye exam.  My wonderful eye doctor checked my vision and even though all was "normal or no change" he suggested that I see his retina doctor..."Just to be sure..." Wonderful...Another worry.  I made my appointment.  I showed up early because I am always early for everything and well...anxious and nervous.   A young man, with the kindness face and smile came and called my name. "King?"  I got up and walked with him to the eye exam room.  He took a double look at me as I sat down.  "King? Mrs. King??? Are you Mrs. King?"  "Yes, yes I am," I replied.  "Mrs. King!!!! You taught me!  I had you in English class, probably back in 2017 or 2018.! "  I looked at this kind soul and said, "And your name?" "Peter, he replied."  I looked at him and suddenly, thought about those specific years.  They were excellent teaching years, before Covid and all of the nonsense that followed all teachers when Covid struck.  "OMG! Peter! Really? OMG!" "You were an excellent teacher Ms. King! So fun, never boring.  You taught us so much!!! I loved you!" He told me as he hugged me tight.   He continued to tell me that he intended to become an eye doctor and that he was shadowing my eye doctor and my retina doctor.    Immediately, all of my fear left me.

        I did not go into a full dissertation as to why I was seeing his mentors.  Maybe I should have but I wanted to protect the moment and him.  We spoke for bit, but he had to move forward after checking my vision and eye pressure.  He did it well.  My exam with the retina specialist went well and as I left the office I thought about how my career and held back some tears.

        I thought about how most teachers never really realize or they forget all of the wonderful students that cross their path.  We remember the tough years, the horrid years but never the years with those kids that loved being with us.  I thought about this young man and how happy he looked doing what he loved.  I knew that feeling.  I had that feeling and even though I knew when I had to leave, I had forgotten how full my heart had been with teaching hundreds and hundreds of eighth graders. All of the hard work and the worry and at times the heartaches, culminated in this one visit to my eye doctor.  I had suddenly walked out of a fog that I was not aware I was in since I retired.  Teaching matters,  Teachers matter.  The work spoke for itself with that visit.  Bless that young man.  What he is doing, matters too.  He is on his way to help so many...Over time, he will find out how that feels just like "Mrs. King' did.

"With a Conscience" - "Transitions"

 

                    Here we are, "spring forward..." It is that time of year where we lose an hour and yet, we get to feel the upcoming warmth ahead. Change is imminent.  I have discussed on many occasions the changes or transitions that have come my way.  With spring a few weeks away, I am becoming even more aware of how quickly time passes.  That, coupled with losing an hour has made me embrace whatever changes come my way.  

    Transitioning comes when we least expect it.  I mean, we can accept that there are changes ahead but not they do not necessarily come with a "heads up."  This is the challenge because whether we want a change or not, they happen.  

        One memory I have happened on the arrival to college. Pop and mom drove me up to the New York State College at Geneseo.  I had underestimated how far away the college was from my home.  I was officially anxious but this is what I chose.  This is what I wanted and perhaps  needed.  Pop walked me up to the dorm and as we walked around the campus, he told me, "Give it all a chance.  You can come home any time you want to but this will be a good thing for you Claudia."  I knew he was right.  It was time to transition.     

        In 2026, I feel many of us will be in the throws of change.  Whether it's retirement, children graduating, getting married, becoming parents, the world is opening up more doors for us.  The difficulty is knowing whether or not we are going to embrace those changes.  We can not fight the inevitable.  We don't have to love it but can accept the transitions and move ahead.  Easier said than done...I understand.  HOWEVER...As a change comes, it brings us growth and suddenly see options that were never visible until now. Growth equals joy.  Our rut or routine disappears.

        We transition when a loved one passes.  We are forced to change the way we were functioning now that they have moved on and transitioned themselves.  We transition when we move beyond what was comfortable.  What we thought was important in the past becomes well...part of the past.  We move beyond the status quo.  We see the truth and the need to move forward to something new. That is often the scary part.  Facing something new can be terrifying even though we know we need to face it or do it!

        We need patience to embrace change.  Some of our goals or dreams remain in limbo because we are simply no ready.  The universe has not aligned yet and this too is difficult.  When we are facing change, we must be honest with those we love.  They need to understand what we are experiencing.  OR...We need to warn them that the transitions or changes may not be easy.  The trick or skill here is to work through what needs to happen with kindness and love, not with anger or frustration. That will never work.  

        As we embrace or face the changes ahead, let go of the fear and find the joy.  There is joy in the transitions we face.  We just have to put aside the "what ifs" and take a chance.

    

"With a Conscience" - "When I'm 65..."

 

        March 2, 1961, 12:29 a.m.,  I was newly born and immediately put into an incubator because I was cosidered premature, five pounds...That's it. I was born slightly under two weeks earlier than expected.  I wanted to get out of the womb and experience the light of the world ahead.  Sorry Ma. I needed to get out into the world that was ahead of me.  Impatient, yet brave I know. 

        On Monday, I reach what many consider a milestone.  I will be 65 years old and I find that daunting.  Becoming a "senior" was never something I ever gave much credence to until...well, I reached my 60's.  That's when things started to happen.  Circumstances that I was not prepared for but none the less, I had to face these circumstances and put up a brave front.  I hate that.  I hate being "brave."  It is exhausting.  Regardless, 65 looms in 48 hours and I can still do the following:

•  I can still appreciate a sunrise and a sunset. 
• I get up and work out at my gym, aches and pains yes, but by the time I am through, I am a much better human being.  I can move and groove and get in and out of the car! I can drive to Shop Rite and not have to use a cart that drives you around the store.  
• I have issues with  my hearing but it is not severe but it sucks...Hearing is essential to our relationshops wth just about everyone. Trust me...if your hearing is not impaired you do not have any patience for those who do have the impairment.  Trust me.  The hearing aid business is a rackett too.  
• When we think of the age of 65, we should recognize that not everyone reaches their 60's sadly.  Age is a privilege, not a right.  As we age there are rewards that we were not even aware of growing up.  Now, now, I see that light and I am grateful.

    I want to be one of those individuals who never stops.  This does not mean I don't get tired. I do.  I get exhausted but when I get up in the morning, the gratitude sinks in, I have my coffee and go to the gym.  I have stopped making excuses for other people's bad behavior.  I have stopped blaming myself every time a situation gets uncomfortable.  I still take risks.  Maybe not as much as I used to but I still take risks grow stronger emotionally.  That is the beauty of age.

        We cannot predict our end.  Turning 65, brings us to that reality.  But the one thing that I didn't expect was the courage we gain.  We get braver than we have ever been because  well...'What have we got to lose?"   There are more doctor's appointments at 65, more bloodwork, MRIs, Catscans, blah, blah, blah.  These ordeals are part wanting to live longer.  The more we know, the braver we get...COURAGE.

        Turning 65 will proably occur quietly without fanfare.  I believe it's meant to be that way because we so much more to do.  We have so much more to see.  Age is just a number but the number brings us more wisdom, more courage and more strength.  Now...how wonderful is that???

"With a Conscience" - " In the Zone..."

 

             When I was a child, I did not know the definition of the word "fear."  My mother was constantly having to watch me to make sure that I was not about to do something dangerous...Like jumping on the back of the farmer's horse, "Major" who would hang out by the fence which separated our property from the his.  Ma yelled, "Claudia! Nooooo!"  and I yelled back, "He's hungry Ma...I am giving him an apple before we ride!"  Then there was the time I wanted to go play with boy down the road.  Ma didn't know I left and when she found me, she was not what I would say "composed." I was four or five at the time and with both incidents, I had no fear.  I was perfectly in my comfort zone.  My poor mother was not.  How joyful it was to live without fear.

        At this stage in my life, I have learned to stretch beyond what is comfortable at times.  It becomes healthy and it creates courage.  If it ends up a mistake, we learn from it.  A couple of days ago, I stepped out of my comfort zone to sing in front of tons of people I did not know. One of my dearest buddies, convinced me to to do an open mic night and although I may not have been chosen to sing, I was chosen and it's interesting because the moment the piano player called my name, I lost my fear and shattered my comfort zone.  Comfort zones often keep us from breaking our routines, making us boring and bland.  I never wanted to be "boring or bland" and it seems at though, that the older I am fortunate to get, the less boring or bland I want to be?  I am challenge myself to step out of my comfort zone because it is becoming relatively important that I keep following what makes me tick.  I am sure my mother would NOT agree...but perhaps now, NOW, she would understand.  I was  born that way. Her job was to protect me even if I hated it.  I know better now.

        When we go beyond what is comfortable, we grow. As long as we are not hurting ourselves or anyone else,  stepping beyond what is comfortable motivates us to change.  We can develop our talents.  We can develop new relationships and perhaps improve the relationships we already have.  Perhaps we just might receive respect from those who do not know us but now, they may want to extend their hand.  Truthfully, if we follow our natural passions and appropriate impulses, we can become the very person we were destined to be despite the fences and the fears we build or others build for us.  

            When we are in the zone, there is nothing like it.  Our lives change and we become confident.  That confidence makes us deal with everyone differently.  We are become less resistant,  We become less inhibited.  We become the person we are meant to be.

        

"With a Conscience" - "Change never comes easy..."

 

    

        I hate when things change except for the seasonal changes that happen of course. The rest just breeds a lack of comfort...Until of course, you adjust. This is never easy.  However, you cannot live this life without experiencing change. Whenever we are faced with life's trials, we can not stop the after effects of them.  Change for all of us is inevitable.  Many of us hate the idea of  having our comfortable world disrupted. But guess what...We will all be subject to a change at some point in our lives.  Perhaps, even more than one will occur.  The challenge is that most of those changes are a surprise.  We are never prepared.

    When I was a teenager, I was a "chubs." I mean, a "chubs."  I stayed that way until I was in junior high and then I started walking and running and excercising with my sister.  By the time I graduated, I was 99 pounds.  I changed and boy...did people notice.  I never got to the prom but I did get propositioned and honestly, I was not impressed.  I wanted someone to like me for who I was, chubby or not.  I did realize however, that I was capable of a metamorphois.  Metamorphosis can be extremely powerful.  When we change physically, people notice.  They compliment you.  For me, compliments often make me shy, even at 64.  My body has changed a great deal over the last five to ten years and  some of these changes were not of my choice. The positive changes came after I fought my battles and saw my health as a salvation not as an inconvenience.

    In previous columns, I wrote about smoking and how I quit.  Another powerful journey took place and I realized that living was more important than the habit. Again, not easy...It was a painful process but it was necessary.  When we are facing a change, we have to face the idea that it will be difficult.  Those who love us have to understand that too.  When changes occur, we must embrace the emotions that come with them.  Death brings change and as we grieve, we realize how much love we had with our loss.  Each birthday we celebrate brings a rebirth and gratitude that we have another year ahead to dream and to celebrate our peace.  We are fortunate if we find that peace by the way.  

    What never ceases to amaze me is how resilient people can be.  They evolve and whether we appreciate how they've changed or not is of no concern.  As change happens, we have to accept those changes and love our loved ones regardless.  "Lord grant us the serenity, to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  The thing that gets me about this serenity prayer is the word "wisdom."  Wisdom comes when we are open to accepting our mistakes, our lack of judegement and our weaknesses.  When we can do this, change occurs and we heal.

    We change whether we are aware of it or not.  I took a look at myself in the mirror recently, and saw a new person that I did not recognize.  Yes, there were wrinkles...just a few...My eyes had more passion in them and more confidence than I had seen in my entire life.  I believe that's because I have nothing to prove to anyone except myself.  Change happens and we see a different person in the mirror.  The wisdom is noticeable.  It radiates and we may not even be aware unless we look.

"With a Conscience" - "What's love got to do with it?"

 

        

        The very first words out of my husband's mouth when we met were, 'Do you need to be rescued?"   At that time, I wasn't sure.  I was not necessarily in a "need to be rescued mode" but I was at a horrid singles dance and well, maybe, just maybe he was right.  Maybe, just maybe, he needed to be rescued from this dance too.  Fate plays its hand and well...23 years later,  those words still resonate.  

        I have been thinking about how we show our love to those we love and how careful we need to be in terms of vulnerability.  To find love, one needs to be comfortable with the idea of being vulnerable.  I have to say that this also applies to those we love in our families too. Vulnerability and love does not just apply to a marriage.  We often need to turn a "deaf ear" to a great deal of the dialogue we share with loved ones if we are to maintain our love of the relationships.  This applies to marriages, family, and friendships.  We need to allow for the honesty and the truth that may surface, even if it's difficult to voice what we are feeling.

        Sometimes our love for another is skewed.  We often are afraid to hurt their feelings OR even more importantly, we are afraid to make ourselves vulnerable by speaking the truth.  Here's a tip...Honesty makes relationships flourish.  Honesty makes relationships of any kind endure.  The relationships that fail, fail because our values are challenged.  We need to speak up. Relationships fail because we do not take the time to listen...And in any relationship we need to listen.  All relationships survive the hurdles if we can listen. That is the highest level of love we can provide to anyone we love.  I have found this to be true in so many ways.  To listen is the highest compliment you can provide to anyone.  To demand that someone listen is also one of the most difficult things we can do.  AND...the truth that evolves perpetuates our ability to learn from that truth.  The truth can hurt but it can also help a relationship grow...That is what love does.  Love helps us grow.

        There is no set solution to the complications we experience when we love anyone.  We can only admit that love has saved us.  Love makes us more honest and more courageous.  Love gives us the strength to take chances and well...perhaps...be rescued.

        

        

"With a Conscience" - "Fear...The emotion that shouldn't stay hidden."

 

        From the time I was a child, I can count the number of times that I became afraid of things I couldn't identify.   I remember waking up from my bed and running into my parents' room and crawling into bed with them because I was afraid of something...Something I couldn't identify, perhaps ghosts.  Perhaps, I was waking from a terrible dream but fear became a regular reality.  

        Growing up, I was afraid of getting in trouble with my family.  I was afraid of getting in trouble at school.  I was afraid that I had lost my friendship with my childhood "blood-sister" and we remain friends today and it has been wonderful. I was afraid of never being asked to the prom.  (I was never asked, but I got over that.)  I was fearful of my first day at college but I met my two friends Cheri and Lori and we have been friends for over 40 years.  I was fearful of my first "professional" job at IBM but the three men I worked for (they know who they are...) trusted me and encouraged me every step of the way.  ("Thank you PK and Glen and Barbar." :  )  I was always fearful of disappointing those I loved.

        There were many directors from my theater life that believed in me even when I was completely afraid.  I stepped forward and forged ahead anyway.  My first day in a classroom was beyond scary.  I kept my head down and fought for my professional credibility.  My teaching career changed me and made me more courageous.

        Nothing was more scary than getting married.  My husband is the bravest man I have ever met.  He looked at me and took a chance.  Taking a chance on a relationship is the scariest, most fearful thing anyone can do but it builds faith and it builds love...Or at least it should.  He has taught me to confront my fears and clear the walls that it builds.  My sisters...are brave women.  They have been challenged.  They have evolved and they have found their strength through developing their passions and keeping focused.  They are very much like my mother and my grandmother.  Heritage breeds courage.  Heritage breeds fear-busting.

        Fear manifests itself in so many ways.  Sickness and health build fear when issues surface and you lack the experience to ask the right questions and survive. We survive by listening and we survive by not sticking our heads in the sand and listening to those who know better than we do.  Facing health issues that could potentially bring us to an "earthly transition" are scary but the long we live, the more we understand human nature and nature in general.  We cannot escape the inevitable. The only thing we can do is embrace the present tense.  This is what fear teaches us.  This is what it has taught me.

"With a Conscience" - "A New Attitude"

 

        Life...Living.  If you are in your 50's or past your 60's you realiize that our lives are not a continual "cake-walk."  I have been wondering if any of us were prepared for the barrage of twists and turns that surface and if you live long enough, they surface!  Sadly, there are those who experience and witness the difficulties while they are young and that has always broke my heart.  We try to protect our young but this is often difficult because as they grow up, they need to make their own decisions and work through the consequences.

        I vividly remember the day I graduated from college.  I received a bachelor's degree in journalism.  My first job was working for a local newspaper and made five dollars an hour...with a bachelor's.  I believe I made more when I left the bakery at the supermarket while in college.  Regardless,  we follow our passions and we learn.  Or...we should learn.  Sadly, I did not.  I am in my 60's and it's only now that we learn through the trials and the difficulties.  There are always difficulties and no one can fully be prepared for the future.  This is why living in the "present" matters. I did not realize that years ago.  I was contiually thinking about the future. I was always worrying about the future and truthfully, who wouldn't  on five bucks an hour.   I found a new job writing, making 10 bucks an hour.  Progress and yet, I still worried.  My head was still in the future.  What was also disappointing is I went to college and got an education because that was the expectation.  We assume that a college education opens doors to our comfort.  This is fairly true in most cases but in my case it wasn't.   I had more work to do.  I needed to open more doors. 

         Living in the present matters.  It keeps our focus. It keeps us sane.  It keeps us calm.  No one can teach this to you except your own personal experience.  Once we understand this, we can evolve and we can grow further into the person we are supposed to be and NOT what others believe we are supposed to be.  We grasp the freedom to make decisions for our own well-being and not for anyone else.  Having said all of this, it is still difficult.  We don't want to disappoint anyone and we don't want confrontations, particularly if we care what our loved ones think.  We have to evolve anyway in spite of those emotions.  Those emotions are real and at times scary.  They are scarier no matter what age we are.  

        I did go back to school, yet again, and obtained a license to teach English in New York State, grades 7-12.  I could NOT find full-time employment.  No one was hiring me.  I did not know why. It was not until I retired recently, that I realized how many years I spent spinning my wheels.  Worrying about the "next move."  I had to make money to support myself.  I needed to be on my own prove to those I loved that I was capable.  I went to corporate America.  I worked for IBM.  IBM gave me so many more alternatives and without my even knowing, taught me the behaviors and gave me the experiences I needed.  IBM gave me the courage and the taught me I could go further in my education, get a master's degree and become a teacher.  I graduated with honors.  I grew up.  That was "the sign" I needed  It's interesting how when I look back 20 plus years ago.  My world evolved because I was finally making the right decisions.  I met "the King."  He believed in what I was doing.  He witnessed my dilgence.  He saw the trust.  In my first year of teaching permanently, we married.  The doors open when we stop worrying.  Now, admittingly, that is a temporary phase because the bliss is not permanently guaranteed for anyone.  

        Challenges surface whether we expect them or not.  The only thing that matters is that we give everything time to balance out and eventually everything does. Patience becomes life's metaphor.  A difficult lesson indeed becomes necessary.  None of this evolution happens overnight.  Sometimes we slip and fall backwards.  We get up and we lick out wounds.  We hobble around and stumble around until we regain our balance.  If we are patient enough the balance returns...until we stumble again.  It's our life.  It's our destiny.

"With a Conscience" - "Vocal Chords"

 

        

        You would have to be living in a cave not to be aware of the news that is focused on what is happening in our country.  Protests are surfacing and people are getting hurt.  Most of the country does not have a true understanding of how law enforcement needs to operate to do their work and at the same time, work with the public within their neighborhoods.  

    We have the freedom of speech for a very important reason.  Our speech is necessary.  Our willingness to protest is necessary.  Our vocal chords are the single most important parts of our being. Recently it has become a detriment, affecting the importance of expressing our love of the country we have built.  The public is scared.  The public does not know how to handle what has been captured on camera.  Emotions speak volumes, whether we have the full, absolute truth or not.  We need to be more conscious of our emotions and use the brain, we were given to make intelligent decisions.  If we act without thought, we lose our hope for a peaceful conclusion.

    For myself, all I can think of is the idea of "hope." Hope generates a mindfulness that helps us make the right decisions.  We need to speak truthfully and with intelligence.  We need to think about our loved ones and our own lives to move towards difficult resolutions that make the peace happen.  We have the freedom of speech because when we care enough to peacefully protest. We are protected.  That is our right in this country.  The very idea that our freedom could be compromised is in my view, extremely sad, if not well...terrifying.  But then again, we can be terrified of many things and rightly so.  But...be not afraid.

        History has repeated itself and taught us a great deal.  We need to remember what we have learned. We need to remember that respect, intelligence and grace take us a long way far beyond history.  But again, we have to hold on to our educaton and remember our values.   Our values are the key to keeping society peaceful.   We need to educate our young people the values of respect and learning how to  handle adversity. There are so many fine examples of how we became a more peaceful society by watching how so many sacrificed their fear for doing the right thing.  

    Protesting can not be offensive.  It can not instill fear.  Well, rather it can not cause the public to be fearful.  Protest has to promote change.  We have to listen and we have to keep hopeful. This is how we keep the peace.  We keep the peace not through fear or anger but through respect.  Lastly, we can admit we were wrong without consequences but through telling the truth.  The absolute truth saves us and makes us less fearful.  It makes us a society that is compassionate and a society that looks after its own...that includes everyone.

"With a Conscience" - "Second Chances"

 

    

        As I age, and yes, aging is inevitable, (thank goodness),  I have developed a respect and a blatant fear of change.  Up until now, I was not aware that every day has been a catalyst for second chances.  I wasn't smart enough or too self-absorbed to notice that changes, second chances were right in front of me.  I never believed they were possible but they are, and although they can be difficult, they are possible and although fearful, they can be comforting.  That is if we can learn from them. 

        There are lessons to be learned as we age.  Granted, we may not learn them in our teen years.  We may not learn them in our twenties.  We learn about second chances when we are forced to overcome a heartbreak, a health scare or many others incidents that surface when we are not expecting them.  The challenge of course is whether or not we can surpass our fears, admit our fears and work through them.  THIS is an extremely difficult thing to accomplish.  We often, lose our confidence, our sense of self and we can often lose our sense of hope.  I am here to say all of those emotions are part of growth and part of living.  I never understood that until recently.  

        When my Grandma Maria was living with us, she used to tell me all the time that aging wasn't easy. Yet, YET, she chopped wood, made homemade apple strudel, homemade goulash and gardened until the very end.  She was far from fearful.  She didn't believe in second chances.  She believed in living in the present.  She believed in good food and keeping active.  She loved us beyond comprehension.  Now, I believe that is the key to second chances.  You appreciate the daily activities and you appreciate the love that others give you.  This is what keeps us in the present.  This is what takes away our fears.   The most important coping mechanism is to cry.  We are not always comfortable with tears and I think that is because we do not want to show ourselves as "weak" or "vulnerable." We often are resistant to show others our grief or fear. Tears help us heal.  Tears help us process the hurt and when fear is present, we need to admit it and confront it.   This is how we process the difficult situations and let them go.  The second chances appear and we evolve.

        We all want an easy life.  We want everything to be easy for us.  At least,  I foolishly did.  I never believed anything bad would  happen and because of that I have indeed struggled with the choices I made.  I am very sure those of you out there did too. The bubble burst more than once.  The remarkable thing is, we can survive and we learn and we move forward to another chance for peace.  At this stage in my life, I understand more than I ever would have in my younger life and the gratitude I feel is beyond measure.  

     

        

     

"With a Conscience" "Now is the winter of our discontent... Or is it?"

 

        I have been hearing a great of complaining about winter.  Very few people I know appreciate the cold weather.  Now granted, I also know people who love to ski, sled, hike and yes, believe it not...BIKE??? Yeesh....As each year passes, I can not say that I appreciate winter.  I am not a fan of being cold, particularly when the husband and I are trying to save on oil. (One year for Christmas, I got two pairs of long underwear! Toasty!)  On the other hand, and yes, there is another hand here, I hate being hot too.  I hate getting into a hot car.   Give me a beach and I can cope.  In fact, I can cope with just about anything as long as I have the means to do so.  Which brings me to another musing...

        The seasons remind us that there are things we have absolute no control over...Not in the least.  They come every year in a cycle.  That cycle has recently reminded me that my life too has a cycle and I (We) have very little control over that too in many ways.  If we are fortunate enough, we age as the seasons. We bloom.  We grow facing the sun.  As the weather chills, we cease our growth and find our contentment in being in 'full bloom, even if we know it is "temporary."  The chill comes to all of us.  We are confronted with unforeseen challenges that we never planned to have evolved.  But we like nature evolve.   We become faced with challenges that tug at our hearts and our minds and physically we know that we have changed.  Sounds ominous but fear not...Nature gives us the ability to heal and bloom again.  When the weather warms, we can change our clothing and evolve.  Whethter we realize it or not, with every season we evolve and know, that we have changed for the bettter.

        It never ceases to amaze me but as a I look out the window, I see potential.   Animal footprints in the snow. Cardinals feasting at our bird feeders.  The peace and the quiet of each passing winter day forces me to take a long pause and reflect on what I have and what I need to do before spring arrives.  Winter reminds me that I have "miles to go" and need to remain busy on my own wishes and dreams no matter how realistic or unrealistic they may be.   Winter makes us pause.  Spring makes us hopeful. Summer makes us actively involved and fall, gives us a slight chill but even more energy than we knew we had in summer!

        When I was a wee one, I loved being outside until I got poison ivy...BAD...I lost my love of nature temporarily but many years later, as an adult, I met a man who is all about the love of nature, no matter what season it is.  Throughout our relationship, we have remained outside.  Hiking, kayaking, swimming...My husband wanted me to see what I never really appreciated before...seasons change and we must too. I will always love him for that.  We must embrace nature and not be afraid of it.  The weather of each season is unpredictable. Whether we accept that or not, is a choice we make and unlike nature, it is our choice.  And that...is the beauty of every season we are fortunate to witness.

        

        

"With a Concience" - "The Quest for Peace in 2026"

 

• “You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.” ―Eckhart Tolle

    So, the new year has begun for all of us and the only thing I keep thinking about is the desire for peace, the desire for quiet, and hopefully somewhere inbetween more memories to look back on as 2026 ends.  I know...It sounds like a juxtaposition. In Robert Frost's very famous poem "The Road Not Taken," he writes, "Two roads diverged on a yellow road, and sorry I could not travel both..."  This pretty much sums up how looking at the new year feels.  So much to do...So much overthinking taking place.  

    For over twenty years, my life was far beyond peaceful.  It was dynamic.  It was sometimes heartbreaking, humorous and sometimes dangerous.  A hot bath every night was my solace, my peace for 30 minutes.  Today, I have more time for quiet moments, spent with just my own thoughts, my own wishes granted, my own problems solved by no one else but myself.  The searching of my soul has brought me to a very different place than I was existing.  It's a very complex position to be in when your entire adult life has been spent watching the world move in a much different trajectory than mine.  

    The inner peace and quiet I am finding comes simply by not reacting to what had initially sent me into a talispin over and over again.  Not reacting becomes the challenge to finding the calmness within oneself.  This was a very difficult lesson to learn.  See, reacting to all of the chaos was a behavior I believed I was supposed to be living and I lived it each and every day.  Now, in my present world, not reacting has become the healthier behavior and an important necessity for happiness.  It is the "present tense" that matters, not the past or the future and believe me that has got to be a difficult action for many.  It has been for me.

    I have trained myself to take more time paying attention to my peace of mind and therein lies better health.  This journey is different for all of us.  There are those who have learned this much earlier in their lives and of course, those who learned the lesson too late or not at all.  I am grateful that at this stage of life, the importance and the quest for peace and quiet became important to me.  Do I still like want my social life and my world to be gloriously fun and exciting? Yes...Oh yes. God yes! However, as time goes by and I see the challenges, the fears and the successes, I know that I have my peace.  It has come later on in my game, but it is here.  It is here to stay.

    So here comes year 2026.  Living in the present remains a challenge but it is definitely necessary despite our past.