"The Cold Never Bothered Me Anyway...A theater love story"

 “If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.” - Henry David Thoreau, Walden

I have a true, true love of theater.  This does not mean that I know every Broadway showtune by heart but, I am always working on that.  In fact, I have been working on that since I was old enough to talk.  As the lights of Broadway and most theaters across the country have dimmed because of COVID, I am hear to express my deepest longing for the return of all the arts. Theater being so unbelievable criticial to our emotional and spiritual well-being, is missed.  We all miss it; even those who have never witnessed a theater production miss it.  Why? Because our desire to sing, create, pretend, is within all of us.  In a sense, we are all so very dramatic.  Perhaps some are more dramatic than others but still, the drama lives within each of us.

I was five or six years old the first time I walked on a stage.  It was in elementary school and I played the tooth fairy.  My mother took one look and knew she was in very deep troube and had to keep her daughter's feet on the ground. At nine years old, my first big break at theater came...playing "Winne the Pooh." I gave up ballet lessons after that because I had the power to make people laugh and I did.

At 14, I was invited to tour with a New York City acting troup to do Shakespeare.  I would have had to start my seventh grade year late. (I learned the hard way that one better not miss an entrance.  NEVER.)  Mom said, "Over my dead body."  She need not have worried.  I was for most of my life from too afraid. The chance of a career in theater was in fact ,just a chance.  I auditioned at 18 for the theater program at the New York State University at Purchase.  I was horrible.  I gave up, went to college and became "sensible."

I spent two years at Northern Arizona University studying theater and journalism.  I performed at the clubs in a comedy troup of my theater buddies.  The club experiences taught me how to be tough.  We were a very good improversational group and the joy of laughter was not nor has it ever been lost on me.

It took roughly six years of 'sensible" to graduate with a Bachelor's degree in English and journalism.  I was lucky enough to write for few local newspapers but it did not take long for me to realize that there was hole in my soul that needed to be filled.  I discovered local, community theater.  I started out playing in the chorus of the spring musicals.  I loved every minute and I do NOT remember laughing as much as I did because you see, I was just beyond happy to be on a stage, I forgot to be disciplined.  I was so not disciplined.  It took me a few chorus parts to realize that I needed to become serious because a cast of very hard working individuals were depending on every one of us.  No part too small.  No part too inconsequential.  Everything,everyone did mattered.  Community theater forced me to mature.  I learned how important volunteerism is.  I learned that no one is an island and that the spirit of cooperation lives in the theater.

As I have aged, some wonderful roles have been given to me.  I was ready.  I worked hard and the love of entertaining me became even richer.  I never minded the conditions of the acting environment.  I have performed in overwhelming heat and cold.  I have performed outside and of course inside theaters large and small and the conditions never bothered me because for every performer, theater means home...with your acting buddies.  When you are working on a theater project, everyone becomes family.  Everyone celebrates the end of a run and rightfully so. You celebrate the beginning, the middle and the end and another project hopefully surfaces with new family and new audiences to cheer you on to a victory unlike any other.

The last show my mother ever saw me perform was the most memorable.  She arrived in a wheelchair with her compadres from her assisted living home.  As the end of the show, I rushed to get dressed and ran downstairs to her.  She looked at me and said, "Now, now I understand why you do this..."  I waited decades to hear those words and my heart has been full ever since.  In fact, whenever I am teaching students, whenever I am presented with the opportunity to reach out to an audience of any kind, it fills my heart and that is what theater is supposed to do for us.

I miss the theater.  The ghost light remains on until we can safely convene to entertain those who are in desperate need of a laugh, a good cry and a release from their personal reality.  The arts are for everyone.  The arts promote those emotions we keep bottled up, aching to be released. Theater heals.  Theater promotes community.  I pray for a recovery of theater more than anything else.  Theater creates a legacy that for most us, contributes to the greater good. I am proud to be part of that legacy.

"For Thee We Are Thankful..."

 

I do not need one thing these days...NOT one single solitary thing.  Scratch that...I do need one thing.  Here's what I need:

• I need to know that my husband and my family are  healthy.  I can understand the perils of aging.  I appreciate each year.  What is terribly hard is when I see someone not living their best life.  Perhaps, I am being judgemental.  Who is to say what someone's "Best life" really is? Gratitude has to be more than reaching another birthday.  Gratitude is living that year the way you were meant to live it.
  
  
• I need to know that I have not lost the respect of my colleagues.  I see how terribly  hard they are working. I need them to know that although I am working equally as hard, that nothing replaces being with them each and every day.  The isolation although protective and rightly justified is difficult. 
  
  
• I need the hugs and the commraderie of my friends..  I miss my theater community.  I miss the friends that I have had for over 40 years.  I miss the friends who can NOT be replaced.  They know who they are.
  
  
• I need to remind myself that as I listen to the news and hear of the terrible situation many are facing with respect to not having enough to eat, King and I will have more than enough and I count my blessings each and every day that we are together and have an abundance.  I am more than grateful actually and give to the local food banks.  No one should go hungry in this country.  NO ONE.
  
  
• I need to remind myself that I have MORE than enough shoes.  Ok, this is a tough one...but I do...Sigh...I also have more clothes than anyone has a right to have 
• but I will say this...I can NOT wait to replace my sweats!"
  
  
• I need to remember all of the memories I have of my youth.  The good and the bad and the ugly have built quite a different person these days.  I am grateful to be approaching 60.  I am grateful I can remember the warmth and the love I have experienced with my family.  The difficult events or memories are there as well, but not one of us is immune from difficulty.  I am grateful for that these days.
  
  
• I need to remember each and every kiss and hug that King and I have shared, particularly over the holidays. The first Thanksgiving I shared with King was joyous, lovely and warm.  As we celebrated with my family, we later laid in each other's arms in my sister's family room beyond content.  It felt right.  I was right.  So many are alone and we need to reach out to those who are alone and simply check on them.  We will all eventually find ourselves the recipient of "a helpful hand."  Be a helpful hand.
  
  
• I need to remember that during my lowest moments,  our lowest moments, there is more to experience.  There is more love to receive, and there is more gratitude to show.
  
  

I no longer have an ounce of predicition as to what my future holds and I have spent many hours, days, worrying about what my future would look like.  Now I can honestly forgive myself for wasting those hours, days.  I no longer chase happiness.  I take deep breaths and I see what I have been given.  Perhaps, as we celebrate our holidays, our Thanksgivings, apart physically, but not emotionally from our families, our friends,  we relish in the love we have been given.  I hope your bellies will be full this Thanksgiving as well as your hearts.

"In Defense of Me"

"We are becoming able to see the pursuit of external power for what it is and the futility of trying to escape the pain of powerlessness by changing the world. When we look inward, not outward, we can dismantle the parts of our personalities that have controlled us for so long - such as anger, jealousy, vindictiveness, superiority, inferiority."  - Gary Zukav

Eight months ago, I believe we were all forced to take a "breather" from the whirlwind rountines we created for ourselves.  The transformation I believe we are all going through will lead to a greater understanding that the world is not perfect and we do not have to spend endless amount of time, making it so.  What we can do, is look inward and that is exactly what I have been doing. Patience and even more importantly, love have become a greater importance to me.  I also must add, the love I am referring to is the love I find within myself.  That has been the most difficult process.  We put ourselves first and no one seems quite prepared for that but it must happen if we are to find peace.

Putting yourself first appears selfish but it is a process where we let go of what will not change or can not change and let our day evolve.  It is extremely difficult for many to prioritize their needs.  My priorities have changed but not because any one forced me to change.  The process of my change or changes, have happened because they were necessary for my physical health and emotional well-being and...the process continues, particularly now.

Our world is in a constant state of flux as we are all aware.  Now, I realize, this is the way it has always been.  The world is constantly changing.  We should always be mindful that although our personal day to day routines seem trivial and/or overwhelming, we are exactly where we need to be, at that exact moment where we feel challenged.

This is never easy.  This will never be easy but the fact is, what shoud be easy is kindness towards each other. Love matters, even when we do not feel we can bring ourselves to do so.

We have to look within first.  I have been guilty many times of expressing a negative attitude and it is a funny thing because I realized, to express it has never made me feel better.  This occurred to me recently and I felt as though I had taken a step backwards only to realize that I did not have to feel that negativity at all.  I simply had to live in the present moment.  Again, none of this is easy but it is a wonderful and courageous feeling to do so.

I have spent a great deal of time worrying and taking care of others and the result was forgetting about my health and confronting my fears.  It is easier to live vicariously through others than face your own fears and push yourself forward on your own path.  It is at those times when we lose our breath.  We can not breathe and we lose our focus.  When this happens, we have gone too far and have to step back from the "what ifs."  We are exhausted and we are in an emotional abyss.  If we are strong enough, we find our way back and hopefully have learned a few things.  The only person who can unequivocally appreciate the journey and the experience is "me" or "you" or "I."  We can express the journey to others, but we are the ones who are living it.  Trying to make anyone else understand, is a futile endeavor. We do not need to explain ourselves if we were pure in intention.

This is NOT meant to be a mean-spirited or selfish plea.  This change, (or perhaps the better word is evolution) occurs when we have given so much of ourselves that we start to see we are failing at our own happiness, not pursuing what we need to pursue for our own growth  and that effects those we love as well.

 When we realize that we have to put ourselves first. the fog clears and we are capable of moving forward to the life we are meant to have.  If the situation we find ourselves, does not enhance or make one's life more rewarding, then we need to let the negativity run its course because it will.  It always does.  I have ranted and raved on about so many things to those I trust more than anyone.  I am surprised and grateful that these people are still in my life.  The sharing of relentless anger or frustration has never made me feel any more content or relieved. It has taken close to sixty years to figure this out...better late than never...or EVER.

My closing defense is really not a defense at all but a self-realization...a self-acutalization, that the world does not revolve around us, we revolve around ourselves.  Patterns of behavior are cyclical, just like our planet's seasons.  When we are descending from fall into a winter of discontent, we surely have to remind ourselves that the next season will be spring.

"Dear Parents "Of The Universe,"

 

“Children are educated by what the grown-up is and not by his talk.” –Carl Jung

Dear Parents,

In 2007, I entered into my first position as a teacher.  I created curriculum for your kids because there was not any.  I created a classroom environment that your kids could depend upon whether they believed in their education or not.  This mind you, was all before our pandemic.  Covid 19 has changed everything for educators and the students who now are being endangered.  Yes, I said endangered.  But, you may have already guessed that and forgive me for stating the obvious.  BUT, why is the "obvious" not sinking in with the public at large.  

Here's what I know for sure parents.  I know that your children are in the most excellent hands of people who are courageously, systematically trying to educate the youth of today and being given no support to do so.  It's somewhat like sending a "lamb to the slaughter" only the difference is, we just do not know at what point the slaughter will take place.  Trust me though, it is happening in districts across this country, teachers are getting sick and some are dying for their professionalism and their duty to the young of America. 

Putting politics and money aside, what teachers do not quite understand is the idea that we, like doctors, nurses, EMTs, firefighters, police officers are expendable.  Why are we expendable?  Why is it all right for anyone working for the public to be at risk without the appropriate safety measures in place? I do not understand the harshness.  Even more importantly, I do not understand putting your children at risk for an ideal. Teachers are service oriented but not like the armed forces.  We did not sign up to teach knowing we could die.  The new found bravery, ingenuity, tenacity and courage of American teachers is coming at a price.  A price no one brought to our attention.  A price the public was not prepared to discuss or acknowledge, at least not without a great of political rhetoric and of course money plays a huge role in this movement to "get back to normal."    We have heard this many times since last March, that "children need socialization."  That may be true but they need parental support and guidance even more. Do not forget that often the socialization you refer to is circumspect to so many factors. Again, everyone's circumstances are different, but hopefully you understand the point.  Health and well-being are more important than leaving the house in the morning on a school bus, during a pandemic.  A hybrid schedule, then a remote schedule when COVID surfaces, then hybrid, then remote and back again, does nothing for the stability of the education of our students, our kids.  They are all of our kids.

I was never blessed with the ability to have children but I can tell you this...In the event of a pandemic, in the event of a life-threatening situation, I would be teaching my kids what it means to be a good citizen, a responsible citizen.  I would stop everything, to protect them.  This, this was my mother's mantra, and although, no one's family life is perfect, we all understood that. 

With every argument for sending our kids to school, one must realize that someone, someone where is going to get sick from this virus.  We will get a vaccine soon.  We will get the vaccine and we will get to work with our heads in the right place and our training to teach our kids, our future, with the appropriate safety measures in place.  This is NOT about politics, it is about common sense and about what is safe.

LIke every profession, there are issues.  Some will do their jobs better than others but here's the thing...the majority of teachers are throwing themselves into the fire and they are succeeding in an environment where there is no "win."  

I am a hero of parents and family.  I have seen first hand the active parenting and love of my family, and I am completely in awe, even now, of how my sisters have parented their children, whom, although adult, are loved.  I would hate to see anything happen to them or their children.  I respect what I have been given and I am indeed grateful.  Let us be grateful for the health and well-being of our kids, their families and their teachers. Let us use common sense and display common consideration for our community.  Social distancing does NOT mean ignoring what we blatantly see is true..."Health matters. Our kids matter,  You matter. Saftey is a non-negoitable.  

That is all.