"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times." - Mark Twain
I am very, or was, very good at lying to myself. I was very good, VERY good at lying to others too only they knew the truth but loved me enough to simply let me lie. What was I lying to myself about for over 30 years? Smoking...addiction, smoking. Sometimes a half a pack a day. Sometimes more. I smoked when I was celebrating. I smoked when I was grieving or under a lot of pressure to perform. I smoked to be social.
I was in college. My theater buddies, my writing buddies all smoked. There were a few exceptions but mostly, we smoked together, laughed together, worked together. We had a camaraderie that I will never forget. How I loved the socialization and the connections with those people. My father smoked. My dearest aunts, two of them, smoked. For me, it just seemed normal. However, what appears normal is often the most harmful and the most dangerous for any of us. I broke the hearts of those who love me by lying to myself. This is probably the hardest pill I have had to swallow on my journey.
When college ended, I quit. I never smoked around my family. It wasn't until I officially moved out of the house, that I smoked habitually. I was free. I was on my own and I had the freedom to do whatever I pleased...or so I thought. At 56, nearly 57, I was not free at all but chained to anxiety, negativity and a huge lack of confidence. The people who care for me, and there are many, would tell me over and over again how much they wished I would quit. I was unable to because, I was disconnected from the warning signs. I was disconnected from the truth. I was hurting myself and I was hurting the people who loved me. It's not that I was educated. It's not that I did not know how bad smoking is for your health. I was living in a bubble. I was in denial and I was perfectly fine with that.
A few weeks back I became ill. It was bronchitis and it was viral and it wreaked havoc on my body for over three weeks. I couldn't smoke. My body hurled into a massive detoxification. I was sent to a pulmonary specialist as a precaution. I am one of the lucky people who was told to quit and that if I did, I would stop any damage. That was 26 days ago. My body is healthier but exhausted. I feel freer than I have ever felt. I must have tried to stop smoking a million times. I thought of myself as weak. I clung to my fears like my favorite pair of jeans.
To those who criticize others who are addicted, I say, "Be careful." We all have weaknesses. We all hide the truth from others at some point. We project one image to the outside world, and another when we are in our own personal solitude. My salvation is in being more transparent. But transparency is only possible when we love ourselves. It is possible to put ourselves first and keep love in our life. We must elicit boundaries. We must protect ourselves by listening to our bodies. Our imperfections are the things that make us stronger. We can't change because others beg us to change. We change because we finally put a value on living our personal truth and we find the gratitude for what we have and who we share our lives with each day. We don't have to lie. We don't have to hide. We don't have to feel guilty. I appreciate my weaknesses. I defy anyone to make me feel otherwise.
It's not a one day at a time mantra for me. The mantra is, "You have absolutely no choice...so don't even think it." I am free.
