I have been debating for weeks now, as to whether or not I should write this column. But...I am overwhelmed with a number of challenges these days. The most recent one being a cancer diagnosis. Yes, there, I said it, a cancer diagnosis. There were no signs. There were no indications until one fateful afternoon after my walk. The body told me. The body knows. "Mrs. King," the doctor told me, "You have a tumor on your bladder. It has to come out." "DUH!"
I have been fortunate and yes lucky, to have a husband who did not waste any time and arranged the appointment at Memorial Sloan Kettering and literally a week after the consultation, I was having a same day surgery to remove a one inch mass from my bladder. You do not wait. You do not contemplate, Just like that...It was removed with no indication that it had spread to any where else. Now, what you are not prepared for is the emotionally crippling fear. You are not prepared for what will now be what seems like endless appointments, immunotherapy treatments (I am at this juncture fortunate NOT to need chemo or radiation.) that are invasive and well embarrassing. You get to know the staff pretty darn well and I will leave it there.
There are many who would prefer to keep their diagnosis to themselves and I understand how that choice is made. On the other hand, there is a profound, if not strong message that develops and it needs to be said. Here it is: " Let the pain surface and have no regrets about those unbelievably sad moments that come out of no where. Maybe that sadness needed to be exposed instead of hidden...Do not waste a second measuring yourself to anyone else. Do not let anyone determine your worth and those people who remain in your life are the ones you know will love you unconditionally." I have those people in my life and this column is also for them. See, you find out fairly quickly who cares and who does not. If someone says to you, "You got this." or "You're strong. You can handle this," believe them; even though at times that is the last thing you can accept.
Experiencing modern medicine is a completely mind-blowing endeavor. What doctors are capable of doing today is nothing short of a miracle. As my husband drove me home after surgery, the weather was crisp and the leaves were vibrant with their fall splendor. I could not believe I was going home the same day of my surgery. I clung to the gratitude and relief that I felt. Seasons change and so do we. If we are lucky enough to experience the "wake-up calls" then the least we can do is listen. I have "pushed the reset button" yet again.
I have made a promise to myself to have a different perspective about what really matters. It is not about a clean house. It is not about career. It is not about money. (Buy the shoes or better yet, donate a pair.) What matters is the peace we find within ourselves. What matters is the kindness and the compassion we give to those we love. My energies have been misplaced for decades. I no longer care about my past but rather that I am alive one more day to make a difference. It is easy to lose your sense of humor with a cancer diagnosis but the fact is you must find a way to get your laughter back. Forget about being perfect. Perfection is over-rated. None of us can measure up to a sunrise or a sunset. It really is that simple. If you find yourself angry or frustrated count backwards from the number 200. It works. If you find yourself disappointed with someone's behavior, remember...It's their behavior, not yours.
Some may believe this column was a bad idea but in my view, there is always more to learn and I have learned it...the hard way. Life is hard. Even when we are cruising at the speed of sound and everything is perfect, there is an incongruency always looming ready to teach us a valuable lesson. Learn the lessons and look forward to another day. I am.
