"Time changes everything except something within us which is always surprised by change." - Thomas Hardy
85 days ago, I made a severely, difficult change. I quit smoking...for good. I had returned from my sixth appointment with an acupuncturist (to quit smoking by the way) and as I was driving home, I became feverish. In short, I became severely ill with a bronchial illness I wouldn't wish on anyone. As the days went by, I got sicker and let me just say that what was surfacing from my lungs scared my husband, and it scared me. After five days, I sucked it up and went to the doctor and began my journey. I began my change. It didn't take a genius to figure out that I very desperately needed to save myself, from myself.
For as long as I remember, I had challenges. I was overweight most of my life. I had a few years of living a healthier track but along with that I smoked. I smoked with my friends who smoked. We connected. We smoked and we connected some more. I foolishly thought those connections would never, ever hurt me. I never went to the doctor for a yearly physical. I was untouchable. I could...in fact, handle anything. The 40's changed all of that.
I got married. I got my master's and became a teacher. I ate whatever made me feel good. I smoked to release the continual anxiety of a new career. The "teacher" in me was cultivating the "care-taker" in me but I was not taking care of myself. My husband saw this, noticed this. I ignored it. I was taking care of everyone but myself. This becomes an all too familiar trap for many. We become last. We accept being last.
Four years, ago, still smoking, the untouchable me got touched. I lost partial vision in my right eye due to a spike in sugar. A blood vessel burst behind my retina. The attribution, sugar. That again began the push of the reset button. My husband, with health concerns of his own and I decided to change. We filled the fridge with vegetarian chili, no gluten, no sugar, a carbohydrate once a day. We gave up dairy. We gave up everything we thought was causing us problems. There are vegetables, proteins from many sources but very little if any beef. No pizza. No ice cream. No Snickers. No bagels. All gone. No wine...although a glass once in a while now is acceptable. No pasta, unless it was gluten free or believe it or not, there is a fabulous pasta made from chic peas. There are supplements I take routinely and without fail. My body changed. The weight that I could never, ever take off for any length of time, came off. Everyone noticed. I marched back into my world changed. Or so I thought I had changed. See I was still smoking. My doctor would tell me that things were better but I was still attached to tobacco.
When I got sick, it was the first time I have ever really been terrified. I thought about everything I had done in my life. I had had tunnel vision. After the doctor sent me to a pulmonary specialist, I was told that as long as I never touched another cigarette, I would dodge the proverbial bullet. I had quit smoking for good.
I cried constantly. The withdrawal, the havoc on my body was truly the only hell I have ever known. It is true, that we create our own personal hell. It's called being human. I recently went back to the doctor. He told me my lungs were clear and then he told me, "Claudia, not everyone gets the chance to hit the reset button." I cried all the way home from his office knowing full well he was right. Now I had to heal and forgive myself...for being so incredibly blind.
Fear is of course the great motivator. Many have asked me, "How do I reset myself?" The answer is different for each of us. What I will say is that it usually takes a scare, a face to face with loss that motivates change. Am I happier? Probably not. We all like to be free to eat whatever we want and do whatever we want without consequence. That's naive. The truth is when we finally make a change, we get more peace of mind...eventually. We become stronger. Suddenly, no one can make us feel inadequate because we have fought battles that no one will ever understand. That's the secret folks. Overcoming what was familiar and routine gives us the courage to come out from hiding and show who we really are.
If it makes anyone feel better, an occasional cookie, a glass of wine, is always a good idea. It keeps me sane. Hitting the reset button at this stage in my life has been the most painful, challenging and most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me. Try it. Change one thing. One single thing. Before you know it, it opens other doors. People notice without my having said a word, that I don't play the game the way I used to play it. When you take your health seriously, people take you seriously. Everything is much more real now and I like it that way.
So for those who wanted to know, now you know. If I can help even one person by writing this testimonial, then good. I'm paying my good fortune forward to another who perhaps isn't sure how to get unstuck. I've learned that out of fear, comes education, a greater love of self. What a wonderful, joyful feeling that is!
