"Men and Women...Women and Men"

 

     Let's begin with a quote by Bertrand Russell, the British philosopher and Nobel Laureate. "Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives."  As King and I celebrate a sixteenth New Year together, I know full well Russell was correct.  Most of us get married to escape loneliness and perhaps ourselves.  But there is no better mirror of ourselves than our partner.  When we marry, we are agreeing to the image that is witnessed by our partner. We need to remember that men and women see things very differently.  What matters to one, will never totally matter to the other.  The television remote is the finest example of this.

     There are a billion reasons why we marry but the key reasons are private only to those making the commitment.  We look at some married couples in awe of their compatibility and their partnership. Are we sure of that?  The on-line dating phenomena makes the lonely-hearts establish a sense of "taking action."  We should know by now, that forcing a life changing situation to happen, spells disaster.  The organic nature of how a relationship happens is it's true manifestation.  We are "called."  So here in my universe is what men should know about women:

• When a woman mentions that she wants something done, don't make her wait. She wants it done because it is important.  Don't question it.  Don't ignore it. Just do it.
• Kindness will always guarantee marital whoopee.  Kindness is the fossil fuel of love.  
• Relationships transition based on what both people have grown up with as children.  This is true.  We marry what we know.  Ponder this for a second or maybe two.  We find familiarity in our love of another.  There always needs to be common denominators for two people to be attracted.  The question is can these denominators withstand a life time of unity? 
• If one or the other is doing housework, that's a clue that the one NOT doing the housework should offer to help. Clutter, is NEVER appreciated.  It breeds anxiety.  It breeds frustration.  UNLESS, both parties don't give "a hoot."   Be mindful of what is important to the other.  Here's a tip: Boxers do NOT belong on the floor. The Keurig Coffee Maker should always be full.  Never, never underestimate a wonderful home cooked meal.  Either party should know how to cook.  Waaaaay important.
• Men see things differently than women do.  Ask a man to find his keys and the whole house turns upside down.  Women keep their keys in their Dooney and Bourke handbag attached to the clip that's provided. Never, NEVER underestimate the power of fashion. Man eyes are not like female eyes.  Women see the emotional value.  Men want to fix things but when they can't, they let us fix it ourselves.  It's probably better that way. 
• I read recently where couples who argue regularly, have a better chance of staying together.  I was at first perplexed by that until I realized that those who don't argue, lose their voice.  It's very easy to lose one's voice in a marriage. It's a long way back to finding it again but it is possible through love.
• Men speak differently than women do.  Men are direct.  Men demand.  That's the simple truth.  Men are not afraid to ask for what they want. Women have found that they will go much further when they are direct, when they demand.  The balance of how and when is the secret...at least for women. However, the worst thing thing a man and women can do is ignore each other's voice.
• Most men can not multi-task.  A woman can do three loads of laundry, completely vacuum the entire house, clean the bathrooms and read their horoscope WHILE  preparing their work for the next day. We do indeed know how to manage our time. Men who can build, fix, and repair are so incredibly wonderful but they can never handle more than one thing at the same time. This is where women have to be patient.  Here's a tip...We are NEVER patient. It's our cross to bare. Love us anyway. 

     Men and women don't have to weighed down by oppressive relationships.  This is why men are so confused these days.  The playing field has leveled.  The only reason to marry is for love. If that is not in the equation, don't. Now sometimes things dramatically change.  Two people wake up look at each and say, "What the hell?"  Feelings get hurt.  The lawyers make a mint.  Families are forever changed and it takes forever and day to realize that they were better off. Or were they?  Only the couple knows for sure.  No one else are suited to make that judgement.    

      Love is a double-edged sword.  Men and women need each other but not for the reasons we traditionally think.  We need each other because well, it just feels right and it makes sense. The best relationships are not one-sided. There are constant negotiations. It's very much like the United Nations.  Organically, we see that light that connects one heart to another.  We feel it.  We know it makes sense.  We must be prepared for best and the worst. The best type of love occurs organically. I think that's a safe assumption for any relationship. 

         

"The Year That Almost Wasn't"

     When King and I rang in New Year's 2018, we had a lovely, and fairly healthy dinner together.  We clinked glasses of Pinot Grigio and Stella Artois and looked at each other hopefully.  We wished for an uneventful year.  Three weeks later, I was battling a lung condition, nicotine withdrawal and missed ten days of school.  I had never missed that many days of work in my entire life. Truth. Luckily, I was able to push the "reset button" and as I learned to do that, it paved the way to handle more challenges for those I love. 

     I have watched so many loved ones this year go through so much.  It was a revolving door of bad news hitting each of us in the posterior.  2018 be gone!  As always, when I begin to worry and experienced what was happening in my personal circle , I watched how others handled their challenges.  I watched and I learned...I learned that the when someone is suffering, we don't turn our backs.  We rally around them.  We contribute and get in their faces with assistance.  We let them know they are not and will not be alone in their strife.  We extended ourselves.  Even though the suffering could not be rectified, we showed how our selflessness produced hope.  Even though the pain was real and the fear was real, in front of the suffering was hope.  Within the pain, I witnessed action.  I witnessed love first hand and it was at the point where I realized that therein was the answer.  Action and love; love and action.  This is all anyone can do.  These are the single ingredients to handling any pain. 

     In a time when anger and rudeness seem to be fashionable and in fact, fashion political success, I think about where I was at the beginning of 2018 and where I am now at the end of 2018.  I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel six months ago.  I struggled with my health, my loved ones' health, politics, my employment.  There are no "take backs."  We walk the talk.  We find comfort in knowing what we can accept in our personal sphere and what we cannot. If the lines become blurred then we need to take a step back and reevaluate what we need to do to feel better about our situation.  We made tough decisions but hopefully the decisions are made from love and kindness, not out of anger.  We made the tough decisions because anger was the infection.  Love is the antidote.  

     2019 makes no promises to us. We need to keep our motivations in check.  We need to look out for those who can not look out for themselves. There is only our gut intuition and our support from those we love that make any year a joy or a challenge.  Family and friendship comfort us.  Community action raises us to a higher level of strength.  Happy New Year!  Goodbye 2018.  The lessons have been learned.  May peace be within our grasp.   

P.S.  Thanks to all of you who have read my columns.  I am sure there will be much to write about come January!

Yuletide and You

"The holiest of holidays are those kept by ourselves in silence and apart; The secret anniversaries of the heart."  - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

     I am watching the gray sky with a hint of pink brushing over King's mountain. A full moon looms tonight. All are signs of peace this holiday season...Peace...We all have our own definitions of that word.  Lately, for myself, peace means a hot bath and a People magazine.  A glass of Pinot Grigio  usually makes my world even more peaceful but I digress...So with my mind wandering, I thought of the following...

    My husband just returned from his last minute Christmas shopping and commented on how ridiculously rude people were.  In the stores, driving through parking lots, created an exhaustion like no other.  He is now soaking in the tub. In our present environment, anger, rudeness and a severe lack of patience seem to be the new trend and how sad for our "modern society."  We are supposed to be better.  We are supposed to care.  What happened?  What happened to civility?

     I have given this a lot of thought, as I'm wrapping gifts  (Terribly I might add...) and looking at our lovely tree with ornaments that have such sentimental value that I tear up. I am remembering.  It suddenly occurred to me that the reason behind the continual irrational behavior is, that it is been latent and festering for a very long time.  Everything has a cycle to it and realistically, we are in a very negative phase.  But it's a phase...not forever.  

     Right in time for Christmas, the government is shut down and I wonder how many us will really care about that.  We should care.  If we walked out of our jobs, took ourselves out of the equation for all the responsibilities we are supposed to care for, we would inevitably lose our jobs.  I doubt our government will lose theirs.  I was raised to understand that we don't walk away from our problems, we face them.  We face them with grace and with purpose. Yuletide carols, sung by a choir...not just at Christmas but all year round.

     I was five and bunking with my sisters on the eve of Christmas.  I was too excited to sleep and my sister Jenny, in her calm and poise took me to the window and asked me to look up at the sky which was crystal clear. "See that Claude," she said softly.  "That's the star of Bethlehem.  That's the north star."  I looked and I looked and in the instant of that moment, I realized that I was indeed part of something greater than myself.  I've never forgotten that. In those days when I am self-absorbed and self-centered I remember that moment.  We are not separate entities.  We are connected.  

     As my husband faced the angry horns of those impatient drivers, cars and trucks filled with their idea of what giving is, I not only felt grateful that he came home in one piece, I felt grateful we try very hard never to behave that way and when we do, we honk at each other to keep the balance.  Balance.  The line of right versus forgiveness.  The line of right versus peace.  2019 is swiftly coming toward us.  How lucky we are to have all of the comforts that are not afforded by many.  The government can shut down but it cannot make anyone forget that least most of its people have their priorities straight and for those who don't...they will understand soon enough that with a new year, comes new opportunity.  The opportunity for change...the power of change keeps the balance.  Our peace depends on how willing we are not to only see the other side but to accept the other side as well.

     Keep the yuletide bright.  Walk in someone else's shoes...be civil.  You are never alone.

"Eddie Spaghetti With The Meatball Eyes..."

     "Eddie Spaghetti with the meatball eyes!" I would chant this and run to my father as he came home from work.  Oh how I hugged him too.  My father never got tired of hugs, even when I didn't think he wanted one.  I was his "boss."  He took me everywhere, including his Hopewell Junction haunts.  He would have a beer and I would have a ginger ale with a cherry.  My father, a veteran of WWII, successful business man, "townie."  I was his mascot. Pop loved his Pall Mall cigarettes, his Pabst Blue Ribbon and good food and a good game of pool. He was a great poker player.  He loved the competition.   His only prized possession was the used olive green Mercedes that he bought many years after we were through college.  He wasn't into "things." 

     Since Christmas is almost here, I have been thinking about "Pop" lately.  He lived his life exactly the way he wanted to live it.  He had a very dry sense of humor and one Christmas Eve, I understood why humor was so important...

     Pop was 70. They found cancer in his mouth. Had he taken care to go to a dentist all those years, they would have found it earlier, removed it and he would have been fine.  A lesson for all of us...I suppose. After his diagnosis, he was scheduled for a rather horrid operation where they would remove the cancer and reconstruct his jaw. And so they did...Pop couldn't wait to get out of the hospital but it was a long frustrating stay.  Finally, the day before Christmas Eve they let Pop come home and boy was I happy.  Mom diligently and expertly decided to cook the annual rib roast.  How we all looked forward to that too.  It was almost a religious experience.  She prepared the roast but my father, would not be able to chew it.  He would never be able to eat anything properly ever again.  So, Mom did the only reasonable thing...she pureed Pop's portion of the rib roast including the gravy.  There was no way he wasn't going to have that rib roast.

     It was a tense moment though.  We all sat down and the dinner looked fabulous as usual.  A joyous, tense moment.  Mom served the beautiful vegetables and sliced the rib roast. We looked at Pop. He had everything he needed even if it was well, pureed.  Our eyes were fixated on Pop wondering what he would say.  He spooned his rib roast, ate it and said, "Jeez Mickey, the roast is tender!" We all lost it...right there and then...laughing, crying all at the same time.  I remember that moment to this day.  My father had found humor.  He embraced his circumstances and was thankful and graceful.  Christmas would ensue and we would be grateful, if not relieved.  I didn't realize it at the time but Pop had given us the greatest gift we would have ever received...laughter.  

     Four years later, he lost his battle.  The surgery had bought him four years and my mother made sure that each and every day he was eating something extraordinary.  She took all the necessary steps she knew to take.  The weekend before he died, he told me to go "raise hell" at a community theater celebration.  I didn't want to go but he told me to go.  I did raise hell and I had a very, VERY memorable time.  The next day, I went to the hospital and told him so. The blue eyes I knew so well sparkled, and the grin that always reassured me, appeared.  He was at peace.

     Humor is something we have clearly forgotten to have in our relationships, in our day to day dealings with the world. Lately, my world has been too serious and I had indeed lost my sense of direction. Today, as Christmas approaches,  Pop reminded me that when the world gets too serious, find the humor.  Find the joy. The intensity and the seriousness always finds us.  We are not immune. We will never be immune.  "Eddie Spaghetti," who by no means materialistic, or needy left me and my sisters  the secret.  Find the humor, even when the bathroom was crowded at six a.m. with your daughters,..Even when work was challenging...even when you're confronted with the passage from this world to the next.  Find the humor...raise some hell.