"In Defense of Me"

"We are becoming able to see the pursuit of external power for what it is and the futility of trying to escape the pain of powerlessness by changing the world. When we look inward, not outward, we can dismantle the parts of our personalities that have controlled us for so long - such as anger, jealousy, vindictiveness, superiority, inferiority."  - Gary Zukav

Eight months ago, I believe we were all forced to take a "breather" from the whirlwind rountines we created for ourselves.  The transformation I believe we are all going through will lead to a greater understanding that the world is not perfect and we do not have to spend endless amount of time, making it so.  What we can do, is look inward and that is exactly what I have been doing. Patience and even more importantly, love have become a greater importance to me.  I also must add, the love I am referring to is the love I find within myself.  That has been the most difficult process.  We put ourselves first and no one seems quite prepared for that but it must happen if we are to find peace.

Putting yourself first appears selfish but it is a process where we let go of what will not change or can not change and let our day evolve.  It is extremely difficult for many to prioritize their needs.  My priorities have changed but not because any one forced me to change.  The process of my change or changes, have happened because they were necessary for my physical health and emotional well-being and...the process continues, particularly now.

Our world is in a constant state of flux as we are all aware.  Now, I realize, this is the way it has always been.  The world is constantly changing.  We should always be mindful that although our personal day to day routines seem trivial and/or overwhelming, we are exactly where we need to be, at that exact moment where we feel challenged.

This is never easy.  This will never be easy but the fact is, what shoud be easy is kindness towards each other. Love matters, even when we do not feel we can bring ourselves to do so.

We have to look within first.  I have been guilty many times of expressing a negative attitude and it is a funny thing because I realized, to express it has never made me feel better.  This occurred to me recently and I felt as though I had taken a step backwards only to realize that I did not have to feel that negativity at all.  I simply had to live in the present moment.  Again, none of this is easy but it is a wonderful and courageous feeling to do so.

I have spent a great deal of time worrying and taking care of others and the result was forgetting about my health and confronting my fears.  It is easier to live vicariously through others than face your own fears and push yourself forward on your own path.  It is at those times when we lose our breath.  We can not breathe and we lose our focus.  When this happens, we have gone too far and have to step back from the "what ifs."  We are exhausted and we are in an emotional abyss.  If we are strong enough, we find our way back and hopefully have learned a few things.  The only person who can unequivocally appreciate the journey and the experience is "me" or "you" or "I."  We can express the journey to others, but we are the ones who are living it.  Trying to make anyone else understand, is a futile endeavor. We do not need to explain ourselves if we were pure in intention.

This is NOT meant to be a mean-spirited or selfish plea.  This change, (or perhaps the better word is evolution) occurs when we have given so much of ourselves that we start to see we are failing at our own happiness, not pursuing what we need to pursue for our own growth  and that effects those we love as well.

 When we realize that we have to put ourselves first. the fog clears and we are capable of moving forward to the life we are meant to have.  If the situation we find ourselves, does not enhance or make one's life more rewarding, then we need to let the negativity run its course because it will.  It always does.  I have ranted and raved on about so many things to those I trust more than anyone.  I am surprised and grateful that these people are still in my life.  The sharing of relentless anger or frustration has never made me feel any more content or relieved. It has taken close to sixty years to figure this out...better late than never...or EVER.

My closing defense is really not a defense at all but a self-realization...a self-acutalization, that the world does not revolve around us, we revolve around ourselves.  Patterns of behavior are cyclical, just like our planet's seasons.  When we are descending from fall into a winter of discontent, we surely have to remind ourselves that the next season will be spring.