"With a Conscience" - "That was then...This is now."

 

        For over 40 years, my alarm was set for five o'clock a.m., maybe five-thirty a.m.  I would enthusiastically get out of bed, shower, get dressed, make-up and lips on and head out to work.  My mother knew how important it was to be self-sufficient and my father certainly knew that a work ethic was necessary.  My sisters and I followed through on those expectations even though we may have followed our own desires.  The foundation had been set and there was no going back...But that was then...This is now. For those reading on...I understand this may sound like a "generational" blog but persistence withstands generations.  Here we go...

    I can't help but notice that our job opportunities and ethic are diminishing. Our work force is getting very tired and worried. When I was ready to hold a part-time job, I found one in a "nano-second."  Grocery stores were very ready to hire cashiers and staff for the bakeries and delicatessens.  Today, we have self check-out.  We have automatic teller machines to give us our money.  Artificial intelligence is looming and causing a great consternation for our graduates.  The cost for a college degree has always been a challege for most, but it has become even more difficult to manage today...So I hear.  Even more importantly, what will our present job market offer our graduates?  The press is painting a grim picture.  Baby boomers like myself, never gave it a second thought.  We just got out there.  I worry about the next generations.  Will they give up too easily?  Will they become discouraged without understanding that success means doing things that are initially not what they planned to do?

    The reality is there are  those who have it easier and those who do not.  Whenever I ran into a "brick wall,"  I backed up and found another entrance.  It may have taken time, but the idea of having "no fear" helped me. I never pretended to have all the answers and I had no sense of permanency.  I did what I had to do when I needed to do it. I did not quit.  I wanted to quit but I knew I couldn't.  

After Covid, students were given a huge break in the public school system.  Their classwork was absolved and forgiven and their work ethic pretty much dissipated when they returned.  It took a couple of years for them to realized that they needed to find their work ethic again.  The grades were again, "real."  AI will now give them another reason to ask for an easy way out of their responsibilities. It's easier to take the easy way out then foster accountability...Or so it seems these days.  

        Some of my friends think this column is perhaps too dark.  They say it is the rant of an older...well...somewhat older person and perhaps there is some truth to that...BUT...My intentions are based on very current events. For the young, the work ethic has to be encouraged no matter what the circumstances are.  Persistence matters. Our paths create our own mechanisms for survival and everyone's journey requires a set of survival tools that helps see the hard times through to the good times.  The good times come when our hearts are open and gratitude becomes a state of grace.

     Never give up. Never, never never...

        

"With a Conscience" - "One day at a time."

 "My philosophy is to take one day at a time. I don't worry about the future. Tomorrow is even out of sight for me."  Bobby Darin

        I hate to say it but we're not perfect.  Maybe we think we are but the reality is we are so not.  This is exactly why we need to take a step back, breathe and focus on the present moment.  What are we experiencing at in the present moment?  Do we like what we see?  What are we feeling at that exact minute?  Living in the present tense gives us self-control.  Living in the present gives us a relief from any anxiety or worry.

        Growing up, I can remember never living in the present.  I would worry about my family,  tests, whether the teacher liked me and even more importantly I would worry if my public liked what I was wearing and well, ME in general.  I marvel at how getting older has manifested a more "present day" focus.  I am sure it has everything to do with making our days filled with quality because there no guarantees as to how many we will actually have.  Mom would always tell me, "Live one day at a time Claudia."  I believe she was reminding herself more than me but regardless, I heard that advice many times throughout the years from her.  It was really too bad that advice didn't stick until I never heard those words again from her. Kids...Mom would also say, "Your eyes will open when mine close." She was right...Yet again.

       Years have brought  about change.  Surely, what was incredibly important to me even 15 years ago, does NOT mean a thing at this juncture.  What matters is that I get up, have my coffee with the husband and my adorable kitties Leo and Luna.  I get to the gym and sort out a great many things on the treadmill.  I live in the present tense no matter what has transpired.  This has given me a freedom that I have never experienced.  For most of us, it is a process that does not happen overnight.  Living in the present happens because we hit a wall.  We understand that happiness means looking at the "now" and finding gratitude. 

        Gratitude does not happen for most of us overnight.  Technically, for anyone to feel grateful, they must ackknowledge the hurt from their past and recognize the gifts that are right in from of them. This is a very difficult thing for most of us to do.  We often have trouble letting go of what the past has done to us.   We must though...We are missing out on the present if we do not.

    So, taking one day a time and living in the present can save us from anxiety, depression and a life-time of chronic unhappiness  but we have to buy into that resolve.  It's a challenge to be sure but it's possible.  If and only if, we buy into the idea of the present tense.

        

"With a Conscience" - "Excuse me?"

 

        It's been a while, but I cannot remember the last time I had to say,  "Excuse me?" to anyone. Maybe it's because I am more aware of my surroundings and when I am out and about I notice the people who are near me.  I am of the mindset that the less excuses we have to make, the less accountability we have to make. Sounds reasonable, yes?  

        But here's the thing...We do not always have to make excuses for what we do.  We do NOT have to apologize for looking out for our own well-being or interests.  We do not have to make any excuse for looking out for ourselves.  When we put ourselves first, the excuses diminish because people develop a respect for that ideal.  We make excuses when we need to be polite.  We make them when we know we have done something inappropriate or "clutzy." In these cases excuses are acceptable.  Accidents happen.  Sometimes the accidents bring us good luck! If we are in the right frame of mind, we can move forward and excuse the incident. We can learn from the incidents too.

        Making excuses does not mean we get to hide the truth.  Excuses should make us admit the truth so we can move beyond the mistake.  Making excuses does not mean we are free from the mistakes we make.  They simply mean, we need to acknowledge them and let them go. There are plenty of "wounded warriors" who can not forgive themselves for their past indiscretions.  This becomes the dangerous part making excuses because we end up waiting for forgiveness when there may not be any.  BUT...Maybe...Maybe we say "excuse me" because we have to say it.  It's a matter of being polite and considerate.  We need to be conscious of our behavior and how our behavior effects those we love and those we meet without warning.

        For myself, those who speak from the heart and ask for forgiveness earn kudos in my book. It's never easy to manuver in this life.  We are faced with so many conflicted situations and forgiveness becomes our way of moving forward.  Excuses matter when they are joined with apologies and the desire to correct the past mistakes.

    Human nature shows us that mistakes and excuses are inevitable.  We are human after all. The concept we must remember is that we are far from perfect as much as we would like to be and that means that the effort has to be made accept the truth and live with it.

        

        

        

"With a Conscience" - "What is the meaning of life?"

 

    At the risk of sounding repetitive, I was born two weeks early than the due date.  That very fact shows how anxious I was to start my life outside of the womb.  I still to this day, hate feeling as though I am hibernating without choice.  I have always wanted to choose my direction. I was born that anxious and stubborn.  As we become more aware of our surroundings, our presence on Earth, the meaning of life becomes the journey.  Like it or not, the decision to develop a sense of security comes from knowing what is good for us and what is not.

  When we are confronted with loss or grief, we very often question the existence and meaning of our lives.  I know this to be true.  Loss makes us question the meaning of our own existence and we can't help but ponder about how much longer have to make a  difference or experience our purpose. Time becomes critical. It can't be wasted. The meaning of our life means that we must feel loved.  We must care about one another.  We must reach out and care about others. We must take a chance on love.  This is what gives our life meaning no matter what has transpired in the past.  Risks give our lives meaning along with building our courage to follow through on what matters to us.

  The meaning of life is personal. One size does not fit all.  We are individuals who have different perceptions of right and wrong.  We have opinions that may not be in sync with others but the fact is that this is what makes life interesting and allows us to appreciate our differences.  This can also become dangerous.  We may not grow to accept the differences and this can cause chaos, even violence.  Sadly, we often forget that these differences have to be respected.  History reminds us all too regularly. Compassion is the key to our "meaning" and our progress in life.  This does not mean we should not establish boundaries.  Knowing our boundaries and remembering them gives our lives meaning too. Boundaries also improve relationships.  The "meaning of life" means to live truthfully. Confidence grows when we do so. This all contributes to the meaning of our lives.  If we are lucky, others appreciate our efforts too but they don't have to necessarily.  We feel whole within ourselves.

    Our lives have meaning when we bring meaning to those things we love to do.  Our lives have meaning when we show our love to those we love.  The meaing is unconditional.  The meaning is a natural cause and effect.  The question is never fully answered but a process that continues throughout our lives.  

    

"With a Conscience" - "The aura of being whole"

 

        Did you ever wonder what makes you feel completely whole? Is it family? Is it love of our partners?  Is it our diets? Our health? Maybe even politics or our country?  How does that feeling of "wholeness" come to us?   Is it possible to reach the idea of feeling content, complete...Whole.

        There are people who cross our path and within five minutes of shaking their hand, we see confidence.  The inflection of their voices, their posture, their eye contact show us confidence and bring on a comfort level that often is unprecedented.  A person of "wholeness" will make their presence known without showing any insecurity.  They have a focus on the present tense.  

    Younger people have a sense of loneliness or a lack of "wholeness" when they see their friends getting married or in a significant relationship.  How I wish they knew that the "wholeness" comes from within ourselves.  We conduct our lives on our terms and work towards feeling a sense of wholeness by doing what we love to do and finding the courage in doing so. Getting married or finding a significant other does not guarantee a sense of "wholeness." We have to feel that complete, content feeling within ourselves first.  Then, only then, can we graduate to a relationship that has the potential to last.  We need to live our truth first before living anyone else's and believe me...We have to accept the "WHOLE" person.  If they want to change on our behalf, they will do it because they do not want to lose you.  

        Sometimes we are fooled by the aura of "wholeness."  Sometimes, it is the environment that perpetuates a false sense of security but we will not discover that until we witness or observe more truth.  Sometimes, the "act" is just an "act" to serve an individual's purpose.  The bubble bursts.  We get fooled.  But everyone gets fooled at some point particularly where love is concerned.  

    Age and experience makes us "whole" if we can put our ego aside and appreciate the lessons we learned. We all would like to believe that the best of intentions have been executed.  We embrace kindness, empathy, and that in itself helps us feel "whole."  For some it takes longer and that itself could result in a tragic circumstance. Confidence comes with experience too.  If we can survive disappointments, we gain confidence through those disappoints.  We become stronger and hopefully we become resilient.  We also grow in our ability to not only love others but ourselves.

"With a Conscience" - "What did you mean by that?"

 

       It's funny actually that in my younger years, I used to think I was a fabulous communicator.  Over time, I now understand that I was very, very wrong.  Why is it that when we try to commuicate appropriately, we are incorrectly understood?  We think we are being clear but the fact of the matter is, we weren't or the other party wasn't listening.  I have given this a great deal of thought and the problem exists on both sides of the fence.

    Issues with communication happen when we are at home, at work and even when we're having coffee with our friends.  We want to be understood when we are having a conversation with someone.  While we're discussing something across from the table that's our opportunity to be heard and to listen.  But sometimes, we leave the table wondering if we were heard at all.  I used to have this terrible habit of saying, "Ya know?" I would promptly be told, "No, I don't know.  Why don't you explain yourself please." This is where communication gets real.  We need to be able to understand ourselves first if we are able to communicate with anyone else effectively.  The heart of any conversation is that both parties or all parties want to be understood.  If we are misunderstood, we need to be told that and given the opportunity to explain ourselves further.  This is the complicated part.

    Relationships, any relationship, flourish when we are not afraid to speak out mind and try to be understood.  In marriages, or any relationship for that matter, we need to feel comfortable in speaking our mind and explaining when something is inherently wrong.  This is how relationships survive.  This is how they grow.  We need to be heard.  We may not always like what we hear, but when we listen and are heard, we can move forward.  If the comments or words need further explanation then we need to ask and yes sometimes say, "What did you mean by that?"

    For any relationship, we have to want to listen. This is what is known as "love."  We have to show empathy and be willing to see the other side without judgement.  This needs to happen even when we're angry or frustrated...and anger and frustrations happen.  We may not like that fact, but they do, even in the best of relationships.  Most relationships are built on how we mitigate the frustrations.  We can choose to claim space.  We can choose to have what was said repeated and clarified and of course listen until we understand.  We may never absorb what we have heard by the way.  Sometimes all that is needed is time...and patience.  Persistence helps too.  We should never give up on communicating particularly with those we love. 

    Lastly, there are situations where the communication dissipates and stops.  It just stops.  That means we have evolved or moved on from trying to be heard.  We can leave the door open of course.  That is our choice and the choice of those on the other side.  If the relationships grow and flourish, we have made the right choice.