"With a Conscience" - "What did you mean by that?"

 

       It's funny actually that in my younger years, I used to think I was a fabulous communicator.  Over time, I now understand that I was very, very wrong.  Why is it that when we try to commuicate appropriately, we are incorrectly understood?  We think we are being clear but the fact of the matter is, we weren't or the other party wasn't listening.  I have given this a great deal of thought and the problem exists on both sides of the fence.

    Issues with communication happen when we are at home, at work and even when we're having coffee with our friends.  We want to be understood when we are having a conversation with someone.  While we're discussing something across from the table that's our opportunity to be heard and to listen.  But sometimes, we leave the table wondering if we were heard at all.  I used to have this terrible habit of saying, "Ya know?" I would promptly be told, "No, I don't know.  Why don't you explain yourself please." This is where communication gets real.  We need to be able to understand ourselves first if we are able to communicate with anyone else effectively.  The heart of any conversation is that both parties or all parties want to be understood.  If we are misunderstood, we need to be told that and given the opportunity to explain ourselves further.  This is the complicated part.

    Relationships, any relationship, flourish when we are not afraid to speak out mind and try to be understood.  In marriages, or any relationship for that matter, we need to feel comfortable in speaking our mind and explaining when something is inherently wrong.  This is how relationships survive.  This is how they grow.  We need to be heard.  We may not always like what we hear, but when we listen and are heard, we can move forward.  If the comments or words need further explanation then we need to ask and yes sometimes say, "What did you mean by that?"

    For any relationship, we have to want to listen. This is what is known as "love."  We have to show empathy and be willing to see the other side without judgement.  This needs to happen even when we're angry or frustrated...and anger and frustrations happen.  We may not like that fact, but they do, even in the best of relationships.  Most relationships are built on how we mitigate the frustrations.  We can choose to claim space.  We can choose to have what was said repeated and clarified and of course listen until we understand.  We may never absorb what we have heard by the way.  Sometimes all that is needed is time...and patience.  Persistence helps too.  We should never give up on communicating particularly with those we love. 

    Lastly, there are situations where the communication dissipates and stops.  It just stops.  That means we have evolved or moved on from trying to be heard.  We can leave the door open of course.  That is our choice and the choice of those on the other side.  If the relationships grow and flourish, we have made the right choice.