"With a Conscience" - "Memories and the stages of over-thinking"

 

        When ever I look at my watch to check the time,  I can't help but become aware of how much time in my life I have spent over-thinking and feeling over-whelmed about situations that really have no bearing on my daily happiness. I cherish and hold on to so many memories and re-live them because, I never resolved what should have been resolved at the moment they happened.  How many of us have experienced that?  I can not believe that I am the only one who has experienced these episodes.  Over-thinking means we are living in the past, fearing the future and not living in the present tense.  The single most important question is, "How do we stop over-thinking and put an end to being over-sensitive to our environment?"

        Being an over-sensitive, over-thinking individual doesn't happen overnight.  It evolves through years and years of repressed fears and not being allowed to express what we need to express when we need to express it.  We learn to worry instead of self-advocate for what we need.  We do this because we do not believe anyone will listen.  Most times that is simply not true but it is what we are telling ourselves is true.  We become fixated on what other people think about us rather than focus on what is important to US.  US.  We need to know ourselves so well that we can spot what is not and never has worked for us personally.  Living in the present means we only need to do our best even under the most difficult of circumstances.  Self-advocacy.  Self-love.  Self-preservation. 

    There are no clear cut answers to finding "our peace" with over-thinking.  The solutions are individually wrapped.  There are no cookie cutter solutions but what has become very clear to me over that past couple of years, and in particular now, is that awareness is key.  Our bodies tell us we are in trouble.  Our emotions seize and we stop living the way we should be.  We close ourselves off.  Our communication with our loved ones lessens.  This was not in our plans but it happens.  

    The only way out that I can finally see is if we want happiness and joy, we stop the over-thinkng and we stop living in the past.  We don't poop on the present.  We speak the truth to those who need to hear it and express our love afterwards. We live in the present and keep our eye on what is necessary for our peace. It is not easy nor should it be because if it was easy, we would never appreciate where we are and what we have...even the pain and hurt that often comes with over-thinking.  We can be better than that

"With a Conscience" - "Tall enough?"

 

        From the day we're conceived we have no choice really as to how we will evolve physcially.  This is true.  This is fact.  When I was born, Mom couldn't believe I was five pounds and spent my first days in an incubator.  Little did I know or understand that your physical appearance would mean more than I anticipated.  My grandmother Maria, my Aunt Bea and Aunt Edie were all petite women.  They were indeed, a trifecta of bravery and spunk. I didn't realize it at the time but height is not a deficit.  It becomes a game changer when others tell you it's a deficit.  This brings a further discussion.  "Why?"

        It started out being fun to be singled out for my height.  It breeds a great deal of attention. That is until I headed to junior high.  Shorter women keep extra pounds on.  On the bus, "Meatball" became my nickname.  I fought that guy by yelling at him.  He ended up being one of my best buds on the bus and protected me because he felt like it.  I did a fairly good job of protecting myself in junior high. When you're different, people notice, good, bad or otherwise.

        Buying clothes for me was always a challenge for my mother.  Nothing ever fit because back in the 60's, petites were NOT readily available. Boys jeans were cool though. I didn't mind.  Plus Mom sewed many of my clothes and knitted my sweaters.  Despite the height issue, I knew I was loved.  

        As I grew up to a whooping 4'9" tall, I headed  into adulthood.  My first year of college, I gained a great deal of attention from the Lacrosse players in my dorm.  They enjoyed picking me up and swinging me around.  I got swung around a lot in college.  Not that I regret that one bit. I became an attention seeker and that suited me just fine at theater auditions and off course on the stage. 

     I have made me physical appearance work for me but has taken years.  When people ask how tall I am, I say, "Tall enough." We don't fit a mold.  We are different. No one is the same and we shouldn't want to be. I learned that the hard way over the years and fought some prejudicial experiences looking for a teaching job believe it or not.  But things come to you if you are persistent.  

        My Grandma Maria passed at the age of 98.  Up until that time, she was still chopping would outside with my dad. She loved homecooked food told me each day that she loved me. I learned a great deal about how to be a human being from her. I learned to be heard despite the height.  What makes us different, makes us human and teaches others that "the norm" is not necessarily what we expect.

"With a Conscience" - "The unbearable lightness of being..."

 

        You know, I just realized today that I love being funny.  I love looking at an audience and making them laugh and clap.  That is bravery folks.  We have to test the waters when we want to make people laugh.  Sometimes it doesn't work because what we show isn't "natural."  We have to see the humor before anyone else does particulary when you walk on a stage.

        How do we defne bravery?  I feel that bravery is defined as having to approach a situation that has an unpredictable outcome.  I can think of so many instances where bravery is required  Here's a few:

• Marriage - When the decision to marry happens, you must be brave.  Love is love.  This is true.  Looking into the eyes of your intended, you see a "soul mate."  Having said that, bravery is required regardless.  You want your marriage to be the right decision and that folks takes time.  There are so many challenges and bravery is required to weather the storms that pass through a couple. If the love is real, it lasts.  Communication helps too. You remember how you met.  You remember your first date.  You remember the first time you kissed. 
  
  
• Starting a new job - When you finally get employed for the postiion you wanted, that is only the beginning.  There is a "tenure" that is required before you finally feel secure that the paycheck will last and be forth-coming for a retirement .
   
• Your first year of public school - Kindergarten is scary.  You hope that your teacher is 'nice" and cares about you.  You are eager to learn and do not want to make mistakes.  You are learning to read, handle math problems and well you hope to eat lunch with friends.  You want to make friends in class and on the bus.  You want your teacher to like you.  Bravery.
  
  
• Your first apartment or your first mortgage-  You agreed to pay rent every month.  Your first obligation.  Along with that came your first credit card.  You bought your groceries and serviced your car.  Moving out on your own terms means your brave enough to live on your own and live a responsible life.      
  

    As time moves on and for most of us, we want to live a very, very long, worthwhile life, we have to brave.  We have to face our imperfections and everyone else's.  Yes, everyone else's. The blinders have to come off.  We have to accept that being courageous means accepting that we can not expect perfection. We are foolish if we do.  Either that or we will always be gravely disappointed.

    Courage means opening the doors that we are afraid to open.  When we do, this is how we learn.  Without courage, we learn absolutely nothing.  Courage is what is required when we fail and when we succeed and move further into the path in front of us.  It means we do the things we do not think are possible. From those instances, we grow.

"With a Conscience" - "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!"

 

            Growing up, probably the worst thing you could do is lie.  Seriously.  If I got caught in a lie, I heard about from everyone.  My mother, my sisters were never amused.  "No, I didn't wear your sweater sis, really!" Um...yes, yes I did.  I was never good at lying. No one ever believed me when I lied.  Maybe it was the look on my face that gave me up, I don't know and frankly, it didn't matter. I was taught not to lie but tell the truth of the matter. I learned to tell the truth because I did not want to  hurt or disappoint anyone and in particular, those I loved.  

        Now, this lends a discussion to the use of "white lies."  Do we lie to spare someone's feelings?  Do we lie so we don't have to explain ourselves further? Or do we make a choice to hide from the truth because the truth may be more painful?  I really have no idea but what I do know is that I would prefer that someone tell me the truth rather than let me believe an otherwise disappointing situation.  The truth hurts.  That's a fact.  We have to digest the honesty. We expect honesty from those we love.  We expect honesty from our friends.  Lately, as I listen to the news or read the news, honesty becomes the ultimate dilemma.   

        Are we hearing the truth?  Are we getting the truth or are we being blantantly lied to for the sake of those who have more political advantage and more money than any of us will?   Our ability to reason and our ability to remain educated separates us from making fools of ourselves.  The more educated we become, the more effective we can be when we vote, when we discuss senstive issues and when we approach those we love with an issue that needs to be solved.  

        None of us like a lie.  We don't expect lies to come our way.  For me, tell me if the outfit makes me look fat.  Tell me if you disagree with my politics.  We can argue.  Truth builds comfort with those we love regardless of politics.  We are allowed our opinions and our beliefs but if we can listen, we might just learn more than what was expected...or not.  But the point is we listened.  Our beliefs stem from the values we grew up with, nothing less.  There lies the real truth.

        In politics, in the media, don't lie to us.  Do not taint the truth but tell us the truth and let us discern our votes, our opinions from there.  We do not need lies.  We are more than capable of making intelligent decisions based on facts.  My parents always wanted have me tell the truth and there were consequences if I didn't.  There is a price to pay for not leading a life with honesty.  We know when the truth is not apparent.  We also know when it is and this is how we grow.  This is how we change.

    Here endeth the lesson...

"With a Conscience" - "Easy-peasy, Lemon-squeezy"

 

               When something or anything for that matter comes easy, we revel in the joy of avoiding the frustration when things are  difficult. This is a fact.  I can think of numerous instances where somethiing became hard, I learned more than I expected to learn but it frustrated me just the same.

        So here's some things that were developed to make our world "easier" but in fact have caused more frustration despite the advertisement:

• "Self-Check Out" at the grocery stores -  "Seriously?" It's hard enough to reach the biscotti on the very top shelve at Shop Rite but then after climbing up numerous shelves, I have to self-checkout?  When I buy 20 cans of "Fancy Feast" for our kitties, do I really have to scan each and everyone?  The cashiers are experts at this stuff and I would prefer they get paid to show their expertise.  And this, THIS, is why I avoid Walmart.  What are we really saving here?  We are doing away with employment opportunities but shopping for essentials is not easier.
  
  
• Medical patient portals -  I'm sorry but I feel as though having access to a patient portal for all of my medical results does NOT make me feel any better about what's on the screen in front of me.  By the way, they want you to pay on line too only to have the doctor cancel their appointment with you, even though you have paid ahead as instructed.  By the way,  I do not relish having my personal medical information on a database that can be accessed in a heart beat. (This includes bloodwork and any additional testing.)  This is  far from easy if not frustrating and it feels like a violation. Let the doctor explain the results because this is what health insurance pays him or her for for each visit.  And by the way, if I have to pee in a cup or have my blood drawn or any other procedure, I want the appropriate attention.  Enough on that...
  
  
• Ordering on-line - When I order something on-line, what is delivered very rarely meets my expectations.  When I buy something, I like to see it, feel it and test it out. Particularly, if it's a handbag or new shoes. This is why I love department stores. That is always been part of the fun.  If I do order on-line, I do not need Fedex tying my order to one of the pine trees in the driveay thinking they have done their job. (I did not make that up by the way.) That might have been easier for the driver, but certainly not for a little woman, 4'9" tall. 

        When we want to make our lives easier, it is because we do not need anyone or anything else telling us otherwise. When I am out and about or making phone calls, I want to touch base with the human race. Most reasonable people know what is best.  And by the way, if Shop Rite wants to put their guacamole and my husband's favorite biscotti on a lower shelf, I won't complain.

"With a Conscience" - "Phoenix Rising"

 

        The definition of a "Phoenix rising from the ashes" is quite simple really.  The academic defintion is the following:   rebirth, resilience, and transformation,stemming from the myth of a fire-bird that burns and is reborn from its own ashes."  I would bet my last dollar that the majority of human beings have witnessed or felt the "Phonenix rising."  

    The traumas of health issues are real.  We are, however, never prepared for those traumas because we think or believe that we are invincible.  In our youth, that may be accurate or part of our mindset.  As we age, that is perhaps not as accurate.  When we evolve from a health crisis or any crisis for that matter, particularly with those we love dearly, we become stronger, more confident.  Why? We evolve into strength because we have faced unimaginable fear.  Our fears evolve into grief and then into strength because that is the lesson.  Strength does not happen overnight. It happens because we have faced the inevitable.  

    The medical abyss has shown me that although we must respect the expertise, we must also listen to our bodies and make the adjustments necessary to survive whatever it is that the medical world wants us to experience.  It's painful and it's scary but we become better because of what we learn.  We must be our own advocates.  We must listen to our bodies and our common sense.

    We learn that when the bubble bursts,  we must take another look at ourselves.  We learn that better health is an investment and it takes time to change to a better way of living.  We learn that we have to embrace the attitude of gratitude each and every day that we get up and approach our lives with gusto.  Gratitude is the key.  Find something to be grateful for each and every day even when we feel nothing.  We are guaranteed nothing.  The only thing we can do is keep our heads down and face the circumstances, good, bad or otherwise.  These circumstances are always waiting for us, like it or not.  We are like a "Phoenix Rising."

    The "Phoenix Rising" in us leaves us to become different people.  We let go of grief and fear and we look at our world differently because...Well...We have to do so.  When you wake up each day and see the sun, we know we have another day to face joy, to face fate, to face the truth and keep going.  Peace out.