"With a Conscience" - "Change never comes easy..."

 

    

        I hate when things change except for the seasonal changes that happen of course. The rest just breeds a lack of comfort...Until of course, you adjust. This is never easy.  However, you cannot live this life without experiencing change. Whenever we are faced with life's trials, we can not stop the after effects of them.  Change for all of us is inevitable.  Many of us hate the idea of  having our comfortable world disrupted. But guess what...We will all be subject to a change at some point in our lives.  Perhaps, even more than one will occur.  The challenge is that most of those changes are a surprise.  We are never prepared.

    When I was a teenager, I was a "chubs." I mean, a "chubs."  I stayed that way until I was in junior high and then I started walking and running and excercising with my sister.  By the time I graduated, I was 99 pounds.  I changed and boy...did people notice.  I never got to the prom but I did get propositioned and honestly, I was not impressed.  I wanted someone to like me for who I was, chubby or not.  I did realize however, that I was capable of a metamorphois.  Metamorphosis can be extremely powerful.  When we change physically, people notice.  They compliment you.  For me, compliments often make me shy, even at 64.  My body has changed a great deal over the last five to ten years and  some of these changes were not of my choice. The positive changes came after I fought my battles and saw my health as a salvation not as an inconvenience.

    In previous columns, I wrote about smoking and how I quit.  Another powerful journey took place and I realized that living was more important than the habit. Again, not easy...It was a painful process but it was necessary.  When we are facing a change, we have to face the idea that it will be difficult.  Those who love us have to understand that too.  When changes occur, we must embrace the emotions that come with them.  Death brings change and as we grieve, we realize how much love we had with our loss.  Each birthday we celebrate brings a rebirth and gratitude that we have another year ahead to dream and to celebrate our peace.  We are fortunate if we find that peace by the way.  

    What never ceases to amaze me is how resilient people can be.  They evolve and whether we appreciate how they've changed or not is of no concern.  As change happens, we have to accept those changes and love our loved ones regardless.  "Lord grant us the serenity, to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  The thing that gets me about this serenity prayer is the word "wisdom."  Wisdom comes when we are open to accepting our mistakes, our lack of judegement and our weaknesses.  When we can do this, change occurs and we heal.

    We change whether we are aware of it or not.  I took a look at myself in the mirror recently, and saw a new person that I did not recognize.  Yes, there were wrinkles...just a few...My eyes had more passion in them and more confidence than I had seen in my entire life.  I believe that's because I have nothing to prove to anyone except myself.  Change happens and we see a different person in the mirror.  The wisdom is noticeable.  It radiates and we may not even be aware unless we look.

"With a Conscience" - "What's love got to do with it?"

 

        

        The very first words out of my husband's mouth when we met were, 'Do you need to be rescued?"   At that time, I wasn't sure.  I was not necessarily in a "need to be rescued mode" but I was at a horrid singles dance and well, maybe, just maybe he was right.  Maybe, just maybe, he needed to be rescued from this dance too.  Fate plays its hand and well...23 years later,  those words still resonate.  

        I have been thinking about how we show our love to those we love and how careful we need to be in terms of vulnerability.  To find love, one needs to be comfortable with the idea of being vulnerable.  I have to say that this also applies to those we love in our families too. Vulnerability and love does not just apply to a marriage.  We often need to turn a "deaf ear" to a great deal of the dialogue we share with loved ones if we are to maintain our love of the relationships.  This applies to marriages, family, and friendships.  We need to allow for the honesty and the truth that may surface, even if it's difficult to voice what we are feeling.

        Sometimes our love for another is skewed.  We often are afraid to hurt their feelings OR even more importantly, we are afraid to make ourselves vulnerable by speaking the truth.  Here's a tip...Honesty makes relationships flourish.  Honesty makes relationships of any kind endure.  The relationships that fail, fail because our values are challenged.  We need to speak up. Relationships fail because we do not take the time to listen...And in any relationship we need to listen.  All relationships survive the hurdles if we can listen. That is the highest level of love we can provide to anyone we love.  I have found this to be true in so many ways.  To listen is the highest compliment you can provide to anyone.  To demand that someone listen is also one of the most difficult things we can do.  AND...the truth that evolves perpetuates our ability to learn from that truth.  The truth can hurt but it can also help a relationship grow...That is what love does.  Love helps us grow.

        There is no set solution to the complications we experience when we love anyone.  We can only admit that love has saved us.  Love makes us more honest and more courageous.  Love gives us the strength to take chances and well...perhaps...be rescued.

        

        

"With a Conscience" - "Fear...The emotion that shouldn't stay hidden."

 

        From the time I was a child, I can count the number of times that I became afraid of things I couldn't identify.   I remember waking up from my bed and running into my parents' room and crawling into bed with them because I was afraid of something...Something I couldn't identify, perhaps ghosts.  Perhaps, I was waking from a terrible dream but fear became a regular reality.  

        Growing up, I was afraid of getting in trouble with my family.  I was afraid of getting in trouble at school.  I was afraid that I had lost my friendship with my childhood "blood-sister" and we remain friends today and it has been wonderful. I was afraid of never being asked to the prom.  (I was never asked, but I got over that.)  I was fearful of my first day at college but I met my two friends Cheri and Lori and we have been friends for over 40 years.  I was fearful of my first "professional" job at IBM but the three men I worked for (they know who they are...) trusted me and encouraged me every step of the way.  ("Thank you PK and Glen and Barbar." :  )  I was always fearful of disappointing those I loved.

        There were many directors from my theater life that believed in me even when I was completely afraid.  I stepped forward and forged ahead anyway.  My first day in a classroom was beyond scary.  I kept my head down and fought for my professional credibility.  My teaching career changed me and made me more courageous.

        Nothing was more scary than getting married.  My husband is the bravest man I have ever met.  He looked at me and took a chance.  Taking a chance on a relationship is the scariest, most fearful thing anyone can do but it builds faith and it builds love...Or at least it should.  He has taught me to confront my fears and clear the walls that it builds.  My sisters...are brave women.  They have been challenged.  They have evolved and they have found their strength through developing their passions and keeping focused.  They are very much like my mother and my grandmother.  Heritage breeds courage.  Heritage breeds fear-busting.

        Fear manifests itself in so many ways.  Sickness and health build fear when issues surface and you lack the experience to ask the right questions and survive. We survive by listening and we survive by not sticking our heads in the sand and listening to those who know better than we do.  Facing health issues that could potentially bring us to an "earthly transition" are scary but the long we live, the more we understand human nature and nature in general.  We cannot escape the inevitable. The only thing we can do is embrace the present tense.  This is what fear teaches us.  This is what it has taught me.

"With a Conscience" - "A New Attitude"

 

        Life...Living.  If you are in your 50's or past your 60's you realiize that our lives are not a continual "cake-walk."  I have been wondering if any of us were prepared for the barrage of twists and turns that surface and if you live long enough, they surface!  Sadly, there are those who experience and witness the difficulties while they are young and that has always broke my heart.  We try to protect our young but this is often difficult because as they grow up, they need to make their own decisions and work through the consequences.

        I vividly remember the day I graduated from college.  I received a bachelor's degree in journalism.  My first job was working for a local newspaper and made five dollars an hour...with a bachelor's.  I believe I made more when I left the bakery at the supermarket while in college.  Regardless,  we follow our passions and we learn.  Or...we should learn.  Sadly, I did not.  I am in my 60's and it's only now that we learn through the trials and the difficulties.  There are always difficulties and no one can fully be prepared for the future.  This is why living in the "present" matters. I did not realize that years ago.  I was contiually thinking about the future. I was always worrying about the future and truthfully, who wouldn't  on five bucks an hour.   I found a new job writing, making 10 bucks an hour.  Progress and yet, I still worried.  My head was still in the future.  What was also disappointing is I went to college and got an education because that was the expectation.  We assume that a college education opens doors to our comfort.  This is fairly true in most cases but in my case it wasn't.   I had more work to do.  I needed to open more doors. 

         Living in the present matters.  It keeps our focus. It keeps us sane.  It keeps us calm.  No one can teach this to you except your own personal experience.  Once we understand this, we can evolve and we can grow further into the person we are supposed to be and NOT what others believe we are supposed to be.  We grasp the freedom to make decisions for our own well-being and not for anyone else.  Having said all of this, it is still difficult.  We don't want to disappoint anyone and we don't want confrontations, particularly if we care what our loved ones think.  We have to evolve anyway in spite of those emotions.  Those emotions are real and at times scary.  They are scarier no matter what age we are.  

        I did go back to school, yet again, and obtained a license to teach English in New York State, grades 7-12.  I could NOT find full-time employment.  No one was hiring me.  I did not know why. It was not until I retired recently, that I realized how many years I spent spinning my wheels.  Worrying about the "next move."  I had to make money to support myself.  I needed to be on my own prove to those I loved that I was capable.  I went to corporate America.  I worked for IBM.  IBM gave me so many more alternatives and without my even knowing, taught me the behaviors and gave me the experiences I needed.  IBM gave me the courage and the taught me I could go further in my education, get a master's degree and become a teacher.  I graduated with honors.  I grew up.  That was "the sign" I needed  It's interesting how when I look back 20 plus years ago.  My world evolved because I was finally making the right decisions.  I met "the King."  He believed in what I was doing.  He witnessed my dilgence.  He saw the trust.  In my first year of teaching permanently, we married.  The doors open when we stop worrying.  Now, admittingly, that is a temporary phase because the bliss is not permanently guaranteed for anyone.  

        Challenges surface whether we expect them or not.  The only thing that matters is that we give everything time to balance out and eventually everything does. Patience becomes life's metaphor.  A difficult lesson indeed becomes necessary.  None of this evolution happens overnight.  Sometimes we slip and fall backwards.  We get up and we lick out wounds.  We hobble around and stumble around until we regain our balance.  If we are patient enough the balance returns...until we stumble again.  It's our life.  It's our destiny.

"With a Conscience" - "Vocal Chords"

 

        

        You would have to be living in a cave not to be aware of the news that is focused on what is happening in our country.  Protests are surfacing and people are getting hurt.  Most of the country does not have a true understanding of how law enforcement needs to operate to do their work and at the same time, work with the public within their neighborhoods.  

    We have the freedom of speech for a very important reason.  Our speech is necessary.  Our willingness to protest is necessary.  Our vocal chords are the single most important parts of our being. Recently it has become a detriment, affecting the importance of expressing our love of the country we have built.  The public is scared.  The public does not know how to handle what has been captured on camera.  Emotions speak volumes, whether we have the full, absolute truth or not.  We need to be more conscious of our emotions and use the brain, we were given to make intelligent decisions.  If we act without thought, we lose our hope for a peaceful conclusion.

    For myself, all I can think of is the idea of "hope." Hope generates a mindfulness that helps us make the right decisions.  We need to speak truthfully and with intelligence.  We need to think about our loved ones and our own lives to move towards difficult resolutions that make the peace happen.  We have the freedom of speech because when we care enough to peacefully protest. We are protected.  That is our right in this country.  The very idea that our freedom could be compromised is in my view, extremely sad, if not well...terrifying.  But then again, we can be terrified of many things and rightly so.  But...be not afraid.

        History has repeated itself and taught us a great deal.  We need to remember what we have learned. We need to remember that respect, intelligence and grace take us a long way far beyond history.  But again, we have to hold on to our educaton and remember our values.   Our values are the key to keeping society peaceful.   We need to educate our young people the values of respect and learning how to  handle adversity. There are so many fine examples of how we became a more peaceful society by watching how so many sacrificed their fear for doing the right thing.  

    Protesting can not be offensive.  It can not instill fear.  Well, rather it can not cause the public to be fearful.  Protest has to promote change.  We have to listen and we have to keep hopeful. This is how we keep the peace.  We keep the peace not through fear or anger but through respect.  Lastly, we can admit we were wrong without consequences but through telling the truth.  The absolute truth saves us and makes us less fearful.  It makes us a society that is compassionate and a society that looks after its own...that includes everyone.

"With a Conscience" - "Second Chances"

 

    

        As I age, and yes, aging is inevitable, (thank goodness),  I have developed a respect and a blatant fear of change.  Up until now, I was not aware that every day has been a catalyst for second chances.  I wasn't smart enough or too self-absorbed to notice that changes, second chances were right in front of me.  I never believed they were possible but they are, and although they can be difficult, they are possible and although fearful, they can be comforting.  That is if we can learn from them. 

        There are lessons to be learned as we age.  Granted, we may not learn them in our teen years.  We may not learn them in our twenties.  We learn about second chances when we are forced to overcome a heartbreak, a health scare or many others incidents that surface when we are not expecting them.  The challenge of course is whether or not we can surpass our fears, admit our fears and work through them.  THIS is an extremely difficult thing to accomplish.  We often, lose our confidence, our sense of self and we can often lose our sense of hope.  I am here to say all of those emotions are part of growth and part of living.  I never understood that until recently.  

        When my Grandma Maria was living with us, she used to tell me all the time that aging wasn't easy. Yet, YET, she chopped wood, made homemade apple strudel, homemade goulash and gardened until the very end.  She was far from fearful.  She didn't believe in second chances.  She believed in living in the present.  She believed in good food and keeping active.  She loved us beyond comprehension.  Now, I believe that is the key to second chances.  You appreciate the daily activities and you appreciate the love that others give you.  This is what keeps us in the present.  This is what takes away our fears.   The most important coping mechanism is to cry.  We are not always comfortable with tears and I think that is because we do not want to show ourselves as "weak" or "vulnerable." We often are resistant to show others our grief or fear. Tears help us heal.  Tears help us process the hurt and when fear is present, we need to admit it and confront it.   This is how we process the difficult situations and let them go.  The second chances appear and we evolve.

        We all want an easy life.  We want everything to be easy for us.  At least,  I foolishly did.  I never believed anything bad would  happen and because of that I have indeed struggled with the choices I made.  I am very sure those of you out there did too. The bubble burst more than once.  The remarkable thing is, we can survive and we learn and we move forward to another chance for peace.  At this stage in my life, I understand more than I ever would have in my younger life and the gratitude I feel is beyond measure.  

     

        

     

"With a Conscience" "Now is the winter of our discontent... Or is it?"

 

        I have been hearing a great of complaining about winter.  Very few people I know appreciate the cold weather.  Now granted, I also know people who love to ski, sled, hike and yes, believe it not...BIKE??? Yeesh....As each year passes, I can not say that I appreciate winter.  I am not a fan of being cold, particularly when the husband and I are trying to save on oil. (One year for Christmas, I got two pairs of long underwear! Toasty!)  On the other hand, and yes, there is another hand here, I hate being hot too.  I hate getting into a hot car.   Give me a beach and I can cope.  In fact, I can cope with just about anything as long as I have the means to do so.  Which brings me to another musing...

        The seasons remind us that there are things we have absolute no control over...Not in the least.  They come every year in a cycle.  That cycle has recently reminded me that my life too has a cycle and I (We) have very little control over that too in many ways.  If we are fortunate enough, we age as the seasons. We bloom.  We grow facing the sun.  As the weather chills, we cease our growth and find our contentment in being in 'full bloom, even if we know it is "temporary."  The chill comes to all of us.  We are confronted with unforeseen challenges that we never planned to have evolved.  But we like nature evolve.   We become faced with challenges that tug at our hearts and our minds and physically we know that we have changed.  Sounds ominous but fear not...Nature gives us the ability to heal and bloom again.  When the weather warms, we can change our clothing and evolve.  Whethter we realize it or not, with every season we evolve and know, that we have changed for the bettter.

        It never ceases to amaze me but as a I look out the window, I see potential.   Animal footprints in the snow. Cardinals feasting at our bird feeders.  The peace and the quiet of each passing winter day forces me to take a long pause and reflect on what I have and what I need to do before spring arrives.  Winter reminds me that I have "miles to go" and need to remain busy on my own wishes and dreams no matter how realistic or unrealistic they may be.   Winter makes us pause.  Spring makes us hopeful. Summer makes us actively involved and fall, gives us a slight chill but even more energy than we knew we had in summer!

        When I was a wee one, I loved being outside until I got poison ivy...BAD...I lost my love of nature temporarily but many years later, as an adult, I met a man who is all about the love of nature, no matter what season it is.  Throughout our relationship, we have remained outside.  Hiking, kayaking, swimming...My husband wanted me to see what I never really appreciated before...seasons change and we must too. I will always love him for that.  We must embrace nature and not be afraid of it.  The weather of each season is unpredictable. Whether we accept that or not, is a choice we make and unlike nature, it is our choice.  And that...is the beauty of every season we are fortunate to witness.

        

        

"With a Concience" - "The Quest for Peace in 2026"

 

• “You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.” ―Eckhart Tolle

    So, the new year has begun for all of us and the only thing I keep thinking about is the desire for peace, the desire for quiet, and hopefully somewhere inbetween more memories to look back on as 2026 ends.  I know...It sounds like a juxtaposition. In Robert Frost's very famous poem "The Road Not Taken," he writes, "Two roads diverged on a yellow road, and sorry I could not travel both..."  This pretty much sums up how looking at the new year feels.  So much to do...So much overthinking taking place.  

    For over twenty years, my life was far beyond peaceful.  It was dynamic.  It was sometimes heartbreaking, humorous and sometimes dangerous.  A hot bath every night was my solace, my peace for 30 minutes.  Today, I have more time for quiet moments, spent with just my own thoughts, my own wishes granted, my own problems solved by no one else but myself.  The searching of my soul has brought me to a very different place than I was existing.  It's a very complex position to be in when your entire adult life has been spent watching the world move in a much different trajectory than mine.  

    The inner peace and quiet I am finding comes simply by not reacting to what had initially sent me into a talispin over and over again.  Not reacting becomes the challenge to finding the calmness within oneself.  This was a very difficult lesson to learn.  See, reacting to all of the chaos was a behavior I believed I was supposed to be living and I lived it each and every day.  Now, in my present world, not reacting has become the healthier behavior and an important necessity for happiness.  It is the "present tense" that matters, not the past or the future and believe me that has got to be a difficult action for many.  It has been for me.

    I have trained myself to take more time paying attention to my peace of mind and therein lies better health.  This journey is different for all of us.  There are those who have learned this much earlier in their lives and of course, those who learned the lesson too late or not at all.  I am grateful that at this stage of life, the importance and the quest for peace and quiet became important to me.  Do I still like want my social life and my world to be gloriously fun and exciting? Yes...Oh yes. God yes! However, as time goes by and I see the challenges, the fears and the successes, I know that I have my peace.  It has come later on in my game, but it is here.  It is here to stay.

    So here comes year 2026.  Living in the present remains a challenge but it is definitely necessary despite our past.