"With a Conscience" - "A New Attitude"

 

        Life...Living.  If you are in your 50's or past your 60's you realiize that our lives are not a continual "cake-walk."  I have been wondering if any of us were prepared for the barrage of twists and turns that surface and if you live long enough, they surface!  Sadly, there are those who experience and witness the difficulties while they are young and that has always broke my heart.  We try to protect our young but this is often difficult because as they grow up, they need to make their own decisions and work through the consequences.

        I vividly remember the day I graduated from college.  I received a bachelor's degree in journalism.  My first job was working for a local newspaper and made five dollars an hour...with a bachelor's.  I believe I made more when I left the bakery at the supermarket while in college.  Regardless,  we follow our passions and we learn.  Or...we should learn.  Sadly, I did not.  I am in my 60's and it's only now that we learn through the trials and the difficulties.  There are always difficulties and no one can fully be prepared for the future.  This is why living in the "present" matters. I did not realize that years ago.  I was contiually thinking about the future. I was always worrying about the future and truthfully, who wouldn't  on five bucks an hour.   I found a new job writing, making 10 bucks an hour.  Progress and yet, I still worried.  My head was still in the future.  What was also disappointing is I went to college and got an education because that was the expectation.  We assume that a college education opens doors to our comfort.  This is fairly true in most cases but in my case it wasn't.   I had more work to do.  I needed to open more doors. 

         Living in the present matters.  It keeps our focus. It keeps us sane.  It keeps us calm.  No one can teach this to you except your own personal experience.  Once we understand this, we can evolve and we can grow further into the person we are supposed to be and NOT what others believe we are supposed to be.  We grasp the freedom to make decisions for our own well-being and not for anyone else.  Having said all of this, it is still difficult.  We don't want to disappoint anyone and we don't want confrontations, particularly if we care what our loved ones think.  We have to evolve anyway in spite of those emotions.  Those emotions are real and at times scary.  They are scarier no matter what age we are.  

        I did go back to school, yet again, and obtained a license to teach English in New York State, grades 7-12.  I could NOT find full-time employment.  No one was hiring me.  I did not know why. It was not until I retired recently, that I realized how many years I spent spinning my wheels.  Worrying about the "next move."  I had to make money to support myself.  I needed to be on my own prove to those I loved that I was capable.  I went to corporate America.  I worked for IBM.  IBM gave me so many more alternatives and without my even knowing, taught me the behaviors and gave me the experiences I needed.  IBM gave me the courage and the taught me I could go further in my education, get a master's degree and become a teacher.  I graduated with honors.  I grew up.  That was "the sign" I needed  It's interesting how when I look back 20 plus years ago.  My world evolved because I was finally making the right decisions.  I met "the King."  He believed in what I was doing.  He witnessed my dilgence.  He saw the trust.  In my first year of teaching permanently, we married.  The doors open when we stop worrying.  Now, admittingly, that is a temporary phase because the bliss is not permanently guaranteed for anyone.  

        Challenges surface whether we expect them or not.  The only thing that matters is that we give everything time to balance out and eventually everything does. Patience becomes life's metaphor.  A difficult lesson indeed becomes necessary.  None of this evolution happens overnight.  Sometimes we slip and fall backwards.  We get up and we lick out wounds.  We hobble around and stumble around until we regain our balance.  If we are patient enough the balance returns...until we stumble again.  It's our life.  It's our destiny.

"With a Conscience" - "Vocal Chords"

 

        

        You would have to be living in a cave not to be aware of the news that is focused on what is happening in our country.  Protests are surfacing and people are getting hurt.  Most of the country does not have a true understanding of how law enforcement needs to operate to do their work and at the same time, work with the public within their neighborhoods.  

    We have the freedom of speech for a very important reason.  Our speech is necessary.  Our willingness to protest is necessary.  Our vocal chords are the single most important parts of our being. Recently it has become a detriment, affecting the importance of expressing our love of the country we have built.  The public is scared.  The public does not know how to handle what has been captured on camera.  Emotions speak volumes, whether we have the full, absolute truth or not.  We need to be more conscious of our emotions and use the brain, we were given to make intelligent decisions.  If we act without thought, we lose our hope for a peaceful conclusion.

    For myself, all I can think of is the idea of "hope." Hope generates a mindfulness that helps us make the right decisions.  We need to speak truthfully and with intelligence.  We need to think about our loved ones and our own lives to move towards difficult resolutions that make the peace happen.  We have the freedom of speech because when we care enough to peacefully protest. We are protected.  That is our right in this country.  The very idea that our freedom could be compromised is in my view, extremely sad, if not well...terrifying.  But then again, we can be terrified of many things and rightly so.  But...be not afraid.

        History has repeated itself and taught us a great deal.  We need to remember what we have learned. We need to remember that respect, intelligence and grace take us a long way far beyond history.  But again, we have to hold on to our educaton and remember our values.   Our values are the key to keeping society peaceful.   We need to educate our young people the values of respect and learning how to  handle adversity. There are so many fine examples of how we became a more peaceful society by watching how so many sacrificed their fear for doing the right thing.  

    Protesting can not be offensive.  It can not instill fear.  Well, rather it can not cause the public to be fearful.  Protest has to promote change.  We have to listen and we have to keep hopeful. This is how we keep the peace.  We keep the peace not through fear or anger but through respect.  Lastly, we can admit we were wrong without consequences but through telling the truth.  The absolute truth saves us and makes us less fearful.  It makes us a society that is compassionate and a society that looks after its own...that includes everyone.

"With a Conscience" - "Second Chances"

 

    

        As I age, and yes, aging is inevitable, (thank goodness),  I have developed a respect and a blatant fear of change.  Up until now, I was not aware that every day has been a catalyst for second chances.  I wasn't smart enough or too self-absorbed to notice that changes, second chances were right in front of me.  I never believed they were possible but they are, and although they can be difficult, they are possible and although fearful, they can be comforting.  That is if we can learn from them. 

        There are lessons to be learned as we age.  Granted, we may not learn them in our teen years.  We may not learn them in our twenties.  We learn about second chances when we are forced to overcome a heartbreak, a health scare or many others incidents that surface when we are not expecting them.  The challenge of course is whether or not we can surpass our fears, admit our fears and work through them.  THIS is an extremely difficult thing to accomplish.  We often, lose our confidence, our sense of self and we can often lose our sense of hope.  I am here to say all of those emotions are part of growth and part of living.  I never understood that until recently.  

        When my Grandma Maria was living with us, she used to tell me all the time that aging wasn't easy. Yet, YET, she chopped wood, made homemade apple strudel, homemade goulash and gardened until the very end.  She was far from fearful.  She didn't believe in second chances.  She believed in living in the present.  She believed in good food and keeping active.  She loved us beyond comprehension.  Now, I believe that is the key to second chances.  You appreciate the daily activities and you appreciate the love that others give you.  This is what keeps us in the present.  This is what takes away our fears.   The most important coping mechanism is to cry.  We are not always comfortable with tears and I think that is because we do not want to show ourselves as "weak" or "vulnerable." We often are resistant to show others our grief or fear. Tears help us heal.  Tears help us process the hurt and when fear is present, we need to admit it and confront it.   This is how we process the difficult situations and let them go.  The second chances appear and we evolve.

        We all want an easy life.  We want everything to be easy for us.  At least,  I foolishly did.  I never believed anything bad would  happen and because of that I have indeed struggled with the choices I made.  I am very sure those of you out there did too. The bubble burst more than once.  The remarkable thing is, we can survive and we learn and we move forward to another chance for peace.  At this stage in my life, I understand more than I ever would have in my younger life and the gratitude I feel is beyond measure.  

     

        

     

"With a Conscience" "Now is the winter of our discontent... Or is it?"

 

        I have been hearing a great of complaining about winter.  Very few people I know appreciate the cold weather.  Now granted, I also know people who love to ski, sled, hike and yes, believe it not...BIKE??? Yeesh....As each year passes, I can not say that I appreciate winter.  I am not a fan of being cold, particularly when the husband and I are trying to save on oil. (One year for Christmas, I got two pairs of long underwear! Toasty!)  On the other hand, and yes, there is another hand here, I hate being hot too.  I hate getting into a hot car.   Give me a beach and I can cope.  In fact, I can cope with just about anything as long as I have the means to do so.  Which brings me to another musing...

        The seasons remind us that there are things we have absolute no control over...Not in the least.  They come every year in a cycle.  That cycle has recently reminded me that my life too has a cycle and I (We) have very little control over that too in many ways.  If we are fortunate enough, we age as the seasons. We bloom.  We grow facing the sun.  As the weather chills, we cease our growth and find our contentment in being in 'full bloom, even if we know it is "temporary."  The chill comes to all of us.  We are confronted with unforeseen challenges that we never planned to have evolved.  But we like nature evolve.   We become faced with challenges that tug at our hearts and our minds and physically we know that we have changed.  Sounds ominous but fear not...Nature gives us the ability to heal and bloom again.  When the weather warms, we can change our clothing and evolve.  Whethter we realize it or not, with every season we evolve and know, that we have changed for the bettter.

        It never ceases to amaze me but as a I look out the window, I see potential.   Animal footprints in the snow. Cardinals feasting at our bird feeders.  The peace and the quiet of each passing winter day forces me to take a long pause and reflect on what I have and what I need to do before spring arrives.  Winter reminds me that I have "miles to go" and need to remain busy on my own wishes and dreams no matter how realistic or unrealistic they may be.   Winter makes us pause.  Spring makes us hopeful. Summer makes us actively involved and fall, gives us a slight chill but even more energy than we knew we had in summer!

        When I was a wee one, I loved being outside until I got poison ivy...BAD...I lost my love of nature temporarily but many years later, as an adult, I met a man who is all about the love of nature, no matter what season it is.  Throughout our relationship, we have remained outside.  Hiking, kayaking, swimming...My husband wanted me to see what I never really appreciated before...seasons change and we must too. I will always love him for that.  We must embrace nature and not be afraid of it.  The weather of each season is unpredictable. Whether we accept that or not, is a choice we make and unlike nature, it is our choice.  And that...is the beauty of every season we are fortunate to witness.

        

        

"With a Concience" - "The Quest for Peace in 2026"

 

• “You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.” ―Eckhart Tolle

    So, the new year has begun for all of us and the only thing I keep thinking about is the desire for peace, the desire for quiet, and hopefully somewhere inbetween more memories to look back on as 2026 ends.  I know...It sounds like a juxtaposition. In Robert Frost's very famous poem "The Road Not Taken," he writes, "Two roads diverged on a yellow road, and sorry I could not travel both..."  This pretty much sums up how looking at the new year feels.  So much to do...So much overthinking taking place.  

    For over twenty years, my life was far beyond peaceful.  It was dynamic.  It was sometimes heartbreaking, humorous and sometimes dangerous.  A hot bath every night was my solace, my peace for 30 minutes.  Today, I have more time for quiet moments, spent with just my own thoughts, my own wishes granted, my own problems solved by no one else but myself.  The searching of my soul has brought me to a very different place than I was existing.  It's a very complex position to be in when your entire adult life has been spent watching the world move in a much different trajectory than mine.  

    The inner peace and quiet I am finding comes simply by not reacting to what had initially sent me into a talispin over and over again.  Not reacting becomes the challenge to finding the calmness within oneself.  This was a very difficult lesson to learn.  See, reacting to all of the chaos was a behavior I believed I was supposed to be living and I lived it each and every day.  Now, in my present world, not reacting has become the healthier behavior and an important necessity for happiness.  It is the "present tense" that matters, not the past or the future and believe me that has got to be a difficult action for many.  It has been for me.

    I have trained myself to take more time paying attention to my peace of mind and therein lies better health.  This journey is different for all of us.  There are those who have learned this much earlier in their lives and of course, those who learned the lesson too late or not at all.  I am grateful that at this stage of life, the importance and the quest for peace and quiet became important to me.  Do I still like want my social life and my world to be gloriously fun and exciting? Yes...Oh yes. God yes! However, as time goes by and I see the challenges, the fears and the successes, I know that I have my peace.  It has come later on in my game, but it is here.  It is here to stay.

    So here comes year 2026.  Living in the present remains a challenge but it is definitely necessary despite our past.