"With a Conscience" - "When I'm 65..."

 

        March 2, 1961, 12:29 a.m.,  I was newly born and immediately put into an incubator because I was cosidered premature, five pounds...That's it. I was born slightly under two weeks earlier than expected.  I wanted to get out of the womb and experience the light of the world ahead.  Sorry Ma. I needed to get out into the world that was ahead of me.  Impatient, yet brave I know. 

        On Monday, I reach what many consider a milestone.  I will be 65 years old and I find that daunting.  Becoming a "senior" was never something I ever gave much credence to until...well, I reached my 60's.  That's when things started to happen.  Circumstances that I was not prepared for but none the less, I had to face these circumstances and put up a brave front.  I hate that.  I hate being "brave."  It is exhausting.  Regardless, 65 looms in 48 hours and I can still do the following:

•  I can still appreciate a sunrise and a sunset. 
• I get up and work out at my gym, aches and pains yes, but by the time I am through, I am a much better human being.  I can move and groove and get in and out of the car! I can drive to Shop Rite and not have to use a cart that drives you around the store.  
• I have issues with  my hearing but it is not severe but it sucks...Hearing is essential to our relationshops wth just about everyone. Trust me...if your hearing is not impaired you do not have any patience for those who do have the impairment.  Trust me.  The hearing aid business is a rackett too.  
• When we think of the age of 65, we should recognize that not everyone reaches their 60's sadly.  Age is a privilege, not a right.  As we age there are rewards that we were not even aware of growing up.  Now, now, I see that light and I am grateful.

    I want to be one of those individuals who never stops.  This does not mean I don't get tired. I do.  I get exhausted but when I get up in the morning, the gratitude sinks in, I have my coffee and go to the gym.  I have stopped making excuses for other people's bad behavior.  I have stopped blaming myself every time a situation gets uncomfortable.  I still take risks.  Maybe not as much as I used to but I still take risks grow stronger emotionally.  That is the beauty of age.

        We cannot predict our end.  Turning 65, brings us to that reality.  But the one thing that I didn't expect was the courage we gain.  We get braver than we have ever been because  well...'What have we got to lose?"   There are more doctor's appointments at 65, more bloodwork, MRIs, Catscans, blah, blah, blah.  These ordeals are part wanting to live longer.  The more we know, the braver we get...COURAGE.

        Turning 65 will proably occur quietly without fanfare.  I believe it's meant to be that way because we so much more to do.  We have so much more to see.  Age is just a number but the number brings us more wisdom, more courage and more strength.  Now...how wonderful is that???

"With a Conscience" - " In the Zone..."

 

             When I was a child, I did not know the definition of the word "fear."  My mother was constantly having to watch me to make sure that I was not about to do something dangerous...Like jumping on the back of the farmer's horse, "Major" who would hang out by the fence which separated our property from the his.  Ma yelled, "Claudia! Nooooo!"  and I yelled back, "He's hungry Ma...I am giving him an apple before we ride!"  Then there was the time I wanted to go play with boy down the road.  Ma didn't know I left and when she found me, she was not what I would say "composed." I was four or five at the time and with both incidents, I had no fear.  I was perfectly in my comfort zone.  My poor mother was not.  How joyful it was to live without fear.

        At this stage in my life, I have learned to stretch beyond what is comfortable at times.  It becomes healthy and it creates courage.  If it ends up a mistake, we learn from it.  A couple of days ago, I stepped out of my comfort zone to sing in front of tons of people I did not know. One of my dearest buddies, convinced me to to do an open mic night and although I may not have been chosen to sing, I was chosen and it's interesting because the moment the piano player called my name, I lost my fear and shattered my comfort zone.  Comfort zones often keep us from breaking our routines, making us boring and bland.  I never wanted to be "boring or bland" and it seems at though, that the older I am fortunate to get, the less boring or bland I want to be?  I am challenge myself to step out of my comfort zone because it is becoming relatively important that I keep following what makes me tick.  I am sure my mother would NOT agree...but perhaps now, NOW, she would understand.  I was  born that way. Her job was to protect me even if I hated it.  I know better now.

        When we go beyond what is comfortable, we grow. As long as we are not hurting ourselves or anyone else,  stepping beyond what is comfortable motivates us to change.  We can develop our talents.  We can develop new relationships and perhaps improve the relationships we already have.  Perhaps we just might receive respect from those who do not know us but now, they may want to extend their hand.  Truthfully, if we follow our natural passions and appropriate impulses, we can become the very person we were destined to be despite the fences and the fears we build or others build for us.  

            When we are in the zone, there is nothing like it.  Our lives change and we become confident.  That confidence makes us deal with everyone differently.  We are become less resistant,  We become less inhibited.  We become the person we are meant to be.

        

"With a Conscience" - "Change never comes easy..."

 

    

        I hate when things change except for the seasonal changes that happen of course. The rest just breeds a lack of comfort...Until of course, you adjust. This is never easy.  However, you cannot live this life without experiencing change. Whenever we are faced with life's trials, we can not stop the after effects of them.  Change for all of us is inevitable.  Many of us hate the idea of  having our comfortable world disrupted. But guess what...We will all be subject to a change at some point in our lives.  Perhaps, even more than one will occur.  The challenge is that most of those changes are a surprise.  We are never prepared.

    When I was a teenager, I was a "chubs." I mean, a "chubs."  I stayed that way until I was in junior high and then I started walking and running and excercising with my sister.  By the time I graduated, I was 99 pounds.  I changed and boy...did people notice.  I never got to the prom but I did get propositioned and honestly, I was not impressed.  I wanted someone to like me for who I was, chubby or not.  I did realize however, that I was capable of a metamorphois.  Metamorphosis can be extremely powerful.  When we change physically, people notice.  They compliment you.  For me, compliments often make me shy, even at 64.  My body has changed a great deal over the last five to ten years and  some of these changes were not of my choice. The positive changes came after I fought my battles and saw my health as a salvation not as an inconvenience.

    In previous columns, I wrote about smoking and how I quit.  Another powerful journey took place and I realized that living was more important than the habit. Again, not easy...It was a painful process but it was necessary.  When we are facing a change, we have to face the idea that it will be difficult.  Those who love us have to understand that too.  When changes occur, we must embrace the emotions that come with them.  Death brings change and as we grieve, we realize how much love we had with our loss.  Each birthday we celebrate brings a rebirth and gratitude that we have another year ahead to dream and to celebrate our peace.  We are fortunate if we find that peace by the way.  

    What never ceases to amaze me is how resilient people can be.  They evolve and whether we appreciate how they've changed or not is of no concern.  As change happens, we have to accept those changes and love our loved ones regardless.  "Lord grant us the serenity, to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  The thing that gets me about this serenity prayer is the word "wisdom."  Wisdom comes when we are open to accepting our mistakes, our lack of judegement and our weaknesses.  When we can do this, change occurs and we heal.

    We change whether we are aware of it or not.  I took a look at myself in the mirror recently, and saw a new person that I did not recognize.  Yes, there were wrinkles...just a few...My eyes had more passion in them and more confidence than I had seen in my entire life.  I believe that's because I have nothing to prove to anyone except myself.  Change happens and we see a different person in the mirror.  The wisdom is noticeable.  It radiates and we may not even be aware unless we look.

"With a Conscience" - "What's love got to do with it?"

 

        

        The very first words out of my husband's mouth when we met were, 'Do you need to be rescued?"   At that time, I wasn't sure.  I was not necessarily in a "need to be rescued mode" but I was at a horrid singles dance and well, maybe, just maybe he was right.  Maybe, just maybe, he needed to be rescued from this dance too.  Fate plays its hand and well...23 years later,  those words still resonate.  

        I have been thinking about how we show our love to those we love and how careful we need to be in terms of vulnerability.  To find love, one needs to be comfortable with the idea of being vulnerable.  I have to say that this also applies to those we love in our families too. Vulnerability and love does not just apply to a marriage.  We often need to turn a "deaf ear" to a great deal of the dialogue we share with loved ones if we are to maintain our love of the relationships.  This applies to marriages, family, and friendships.  We need to allow for the honesty and the truth that may surface, even if it's difficult to voice what we are feeling.

        Sometimes our love for another is skewed.  We often are afraid to hurt their feelings OR even more importantly, we are afraid to make ourselves vulnerable by speaking the truth.  Here's a tip...Honesty makes relationships flourish.  Honesty makes relationships of any kind endure.  The relationships that fail, fail because our values are challenged.  We need to speak up. Relationships fail because we do not take the time to listen...And in any relationship we need to listen.  All relationships survive the hurdles if we can listen. That is the highest level of love we can provide to anyone we love.  I have found this to be true in so many ways.  To listen is the highest compliment you can provide to anyone.  To demand that someone listen is also one of the most difficult things we can do.  AND...the truth that evolves perpetuates our ability to learn from that truth.  The truth can hurt but it can also help a relationship grow...That is what love does.  Love helps us grow.

        There is no set solution to the complications we experience when we love anyone.  We can only admit that love has saved us.  Love makes us more honest and more courageous.  Love gives us the strength to take chances and well...perhaps...be rescued.

        

        

"With a Conscience" - "Fear...The emotion that shouldn't stay hidden."

 

        From the time I was a child, I can count the number of times that I became afraid of things I couldn't identify.   I remember waking up from my bed and running into my parents' room and crawling into bed with them because I was afraid of something...Something I couldn't identify, perhaps ghosts.  Perhaps, I was waking from a terrible dream but fear became a regular reality.  

        Growing up, I was afraid of getting in trouble with my family.  I was afraid of getting in trouble at school.  I was afraid that I had lost my friendship with my childhood "blood-sister" and we remain friends today and it has been wonderful. I was afraid of never being asked to the prom.  (I was never asked, but I got over that.)  I was fearful of my first day at college but I met my two friends Cheri and Lori and we have been friends for over 40 years.  I was fearful of my first "professional" job at IBM but the three men I worked for (they know who they are...) trusted me and encouraged me every step of the way.  ("Thank you PK and Glen and Barbar." :  )  I was always fearful of disappointing those I loved.

        There were many directors from my theater life that believed in me even when I was completely afraid.  I stepped forward and forged ahead anyway.  My first day in a classroom was beyond scary.  I kept my head down and fought for my professional credibility.  My teaching career changed me and made me more courageous.

        Nothing was more scary than getting married.  My husband is the bravest man I have ever met.  He looked at me and took a chance.  Taking a chance on a relationship is the scariest, most fearful thing anyone can do but it builds faith and it builds love...Or at least it should.  He has taught me to confront my fears and clear the walls that it builds.  My sisters...are brave women.  They have been challenged.  They have evolved and they have found their strength through developing their passions and keeping focused.  They are very much like my mother and my grandmother.  Heritage breeds courage.  Heritage breeds fear-busting.

        Fear manifests itself in so many ways.  Sickness and health build fear when issues surface and you lack the experience to ask the right questions and survive. We survive by listening and we survive by not sticking our heads in the sand and listening to those who know better than we do.  Facing health issues that could potentially bring us to an "earthly transition" are scary but the long we live, the more we understand human nature and nature in general.  We cannot escape the inevitable. The only thing we can do is embrace the present tense.  This is what fear teaches us.  This is what it has taught me.