We were all sent home from our classrooms in the middle of March. I can not begin to fixate on what I was feeling at that time. Perhaps some relief, I suppose. I was not necessarily concerned about teaching the kids because I had my plan to carry out and I was determined to do so. But then came June. The exhaustion, the stress never really dwindled. It never lessened. Little did I realize that the real issue was that I had been "mindful." As the school days ended, I would close down my laptop and go for walks. Long, long, long walks. Before I knew it, I was walking three to five miles each and every day. I discovered that the exercise was quickly becoming my therapy and my salvation.
When you are a very, VERY sociable human being and all of your activities are suddenly curtailed, the pain is unbearable. You long for your family, your friends, and your colleagues. By July, though, I realized that I was becoming a new version of myself. At the end of the work day, I would put my sweats and t-shirt on, the sneakers, and kiss King before leaving for the park. Then, I would walk. I would walk for however long I could. I would breathe in the fresh air, notice the trees, the birds, the woodchucks, squirrels and chipmunks.
Spring would pass. Summer passed and I realized that it was the very first time, in a very long time, that I had visibly observed and relished the seasons. I embraced nature's change and it occurred to me that years have gone by and I had not experienced or noticed the peace I was feeling now, in the moment, in the woods, by myself.
Prior to Covid 19, my enjoyment was largely spent shopping and spending a great deal of money on shoes, clothes, handbags. I spent my extra money on lottery tickets hoping to "win for life." My mindfulness into realizing that none of that mattered. It was becoming tiresome and irrelevant.
My walks were quiet. The only noise I heard were the birds. I noticed geese, swans, and robins looking for worms after the rain. Each and every day, I kissed King and ventured out to observe what I had not taken the time to observe and quickly felt ashamed. In my minfulness, I realized how many years I had wasted worrying about things I could never change. The world was going to continue to revolve around the sun. With each morning, I realized that I was just an observer, and if I participated, it was to only to embrace the beauty in my own backyard. I did not want to miss a single minute.
My students are up early as usual. We get on our Google meets and we wish each other a "Good Morning" and we are all ready to get busy. I am working tirelessly but as long as I get to walk, the world makes sense...most of the time.
Fall is here. I am still walking and the leaves are changing color in glorious fashion. The air is is cooler and I am a much quieter person. I am realizing that I love being quiet. I love being involved in my own thoughts and the view in front of me, well...it has been refreshing if not educational. I do however, miss my social life. I miss the hugs, kisses and I reassure myself that all of this is temporary. Yet, I still remind all of those in my life that I love them. I do...with all my heart and soul. My quietness is no reflection on anyone but my own.
Mindfulness means everything to me now. The quiet used to disturb me in the past. I was used to noise. Noise meant, I did not have to bother listening. Today, I listen more. I talk less and I listen more to people, the wind, and the birds. I am up early, and I watch the day begin with sun rising and my little Luna and Leo start to lobby for their food and when I am sad about how much everything has changed, I find my gratitude. Mindfulness has been a long time in coming to me. It never occurred to me that I would be changing for the better, on my own behalf. Or perhaps it is just the onset of becoming stronger. You can not fake strength. Strength comes with time. Strength comes from love too.
I am hopeful that these pandemic times will cease soon. It depends on our intelligence and our respect for each other to be sure. Once the normalcy returns, perhaps I will buy another pair of shoes that I do not need. But...I will appreciate nature's fortune even more.
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