"The New Tired..."

 

I do  not know about all of you, but I have been feeling a new kind of tired and I am not sure whether it is a tired due to a major reset in my thinking or a tired due to well, just being tired of the worry over the last year and a half.  I suppose it really doesn't matter because tired is tired is tired...

With the isolation demanded by most of us over the last year and a half,  you cannot not help but find solice in the peace of your home, your family and your friends, even if you aren't able to see them as much as you had hoped.  Some people, I have discovered are less afraid than I am or have been.  Hopefully, I am not alone in this on-going need to still build a system of protection given our circumstances...and I mean ALL of us...We must remain vigilant.  Being overly protective makes everyone tired.  It is part of "adulting."  

I think I plan my activities more than I used to do.  Everything I do, results in a plan.  This is so NOT part of my DNA.  I never planned for anything.  More importantly, I never worried about planning anything either.  I threw "caution to the wind."  How incredible that at this stage in my life, everything has changed.  Every move, every decision is now thought out and planned with the least amount of consequence.  Decades ago, I would neve have thought to live my life like that.

Over the last year and half, I have gone through two pairs of walking sneakers, countless pairs of sweats and t-shirts.  It became incredibly important to walk at my local park, in the fresh air, safely reflecting on my fears for all of us.  I walked so I could take a short reprieve from absorbing all of the fear that was in my head and surrounding me.  I stopped watching the news.  I knew what I needed to know as I saw the awe in my conversations with family and friends.

I do get comfort from those who are stepping out and rediscovering their world again. I was able to safely hug my mother for the first time in almost two years and I am grateful for all of the protocols that are in necessary. I am slowly getting to that place where I accept the tiredness I feel. I accepted the tiredness of getting vaccinated. That was after the fear of sitting in a chair for 15 minutes wondering if I would have an adverse reaction.  I take naps. I sleep in later and find a new strength to do what is appropriate for my body, my mind. The loneliness I have felt this past year has turned into a new awareness and a knowledge to plan for my future.  Maybe plans or planning isn't so bad after all.  Maybe, plans, albeit loose and subject to change, keep us from losing everything that is important.