As I approach another decade milestone, I can not help but think about how many moments I have either been incredibly fearful and...fearless. By the time I got through all of my reflections, I was beyond exhausted.
I was definitely afraid the night of my ninth grade dinner dance. Mom had made me a flowered dress with all of my favorite colors. It had flowers; pink, blue, and white flowers and there was a bow in the back. It had a scoop neckline too. She curled my hair and I got to wear mascara. That dance was by far one of the scariest moments of my life; it was my first date. I went and faced the truth about high school. The date was a disaster, heartbreaking but moments such as those are fleeting. It ended as quickly as it began and although my heart was broken, I did have the courage to move forward.
The next fearful moment was graduating from high school. It was an anxious moment for my parents to be sure. I was the last to go through high school. I was anxious because well, I could not wait to begin my life outside of Hopewell Junction. I was leaving the area. I was going to college and that August after I graduated high school, my parents drove away from the dorm room with me in their rear view window. I was in tears but they never saw those tears. It was all up to me now. Those first two years, I met two of the most important friends I would ever have in life and we are still friends and we still value what we have built and have over the years. I finally graduated years later, basically because I was afraid of what I really wanted for myself. I wanted a career in acting. I did the next best thing and became a certified English teacher. Talk about fear...walk into a classroom of 30 teenagers, and they recognize fear, like sharks know the smell of fresh meat.
When I got my first legitimate role and had to walk on stage and say my lines, I thought I was going to vomit. I was beyond nervous because I wanted to be excellent. I wanted to make the audience laugh. I had an intense fear of failure. I suspect that most people's fears stem from that very thing, failure. From failure comes courage because when we fail, our worst fears come to fruition and we end up surviving. I find it interesting how those scenarios turns out for most of us.
The most significant fear I have to date was getting married. I know no other act of courage then getting married. Why? Getting married is the most significant act of trust a person can give to another. 'I accept you. You accept me." Love is scary. Love is courage. Love is real. Sometimes it can be ugly. Sometimes it takes your breath away to the point were there will never be enough oxygen to sustain yourself.
The idea of death or the act of dying is filled with fear. When someone's health fails and we know they are passing, we watch in amazement at their courage. For some reason it is the act itself that eventually provides a sense of courage in us. We move forward and keep the departed close and the fear turns to courage and then turns to everlasting love. The most amazing thing is we are then forced to rely on others to help us move beyond the pain. We all need people we can trust to get us through the struggles. Let's not forget, they are being courageous as well because they are watching us struggle. I would equate the facing of death to that of facing a birth too. LIfe changes at birth. Life changes with the death of those we love. With the young, the fear is that of wanting to protect them. We can not protect them forever. At the appropriate time, the young must leave and they must sustain themselves. Letting them leave is where the courage lies.
We have no courage, if there is no fear. I can not count the number of times a fear surfaced and I was afraid to lose. It has been the fear of losing that has dominated most of my life and now, now as I approach another decade, I can recognize the importance and the result of having both.
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